bad day

I don't know who, if anyone, reads this. I'll just vent. We took the family to the amusement park yesterday. I REALLY looked forward to it. I kinda dreaded such a busy weekend, but it turned out okay. We had volleyball Thursday, grocery shopping and finding volleyball shorts Friday, Soccer Saturday morning. I did get a nap Saturday afternoon, and I think that made all the difference. Steve and the kids had a fire Saturday night. Church Sunday morning. Church BBQ Sunday afternoon. Came home and Steve had a friend over all day, which I didn't mind at all.

I had my truck parked on the street so I didn't park Steve's friend in, and somebody drove by and smashed the mirror off. So there was an hour or two wasted on the phone with the insurance and the police. And the appt to have the truck looked at is on Wednesday, which was my only day home except for Friday. So even though I knew I had a busy week ahead, I really looked forward to the amusement park with Steve and the kids. I knew it wasn't Steve's thing to be around crowds, but at least it wasn't going to be very hot and I would get to do something with him, and the kids would have a BLAST on the rides and stuff.

I had dreams two nights in a row that Steve and I were on our way to do things like the amusement park and he was complaining the whole way about hating the crowds and not wanting to go, etc. I told him about the dreams. He didn't want to go Monday because he would have rather stayed home and bombed the house again for fleas(the last ones must not have killed the eggs cuz the fleas are still terrible after a week or two of relief). He also would have preferred watching Star Trek all day long. Well, we should have and actually the forecast called for rain, so if it got really cloudy and ominous, I would have been disappointed, but stayed home. But it didn't. It was blue skies and puffy white happy clouds.

I packed food for lunch in case they didn't serve food and we headed out. Steve mentioned being a bit nervous that the other woman would be there, but he did try hard to not complain a whole lot. I told him I did kinda look for her last time we were there, and I didn't see her, so maybe she wasn't going to be there. I had a little hope that the day would be as pleasant as the drive out there. I should have known better.

She was there, and he spotted her within three minutes of our arrival. I didn't even choke a hotdog down before he was saying we should just go. If I had half a brain, I would have cheerily told the kids: change of plans, the rides weren't open yet and we were going to the beach instead. But no, I had to be stubborn. I figured the park was pretty big. If she even saw him, maybe she'd avoid us and we'd avoid her and the day wouldn't be a total wreck after all. Why should I have to adjust everything? Why can't I enjoy a free activity with my kids and husband without her being around?

She was there alright, and she didn't have any qualms about walking right near us practically the whole time. She was within sight almost the ENTIRE time we were there. Steve thinks it was on purpose. He said that she and her mother came and said hello to him when I took Ryan on a ride. Maybe it was on purpose. The hello certainly was. So okay, Steve was basically under assault the whole time we were there. And I was dragging him along, trying to have a good time and give the kids a good time. Sigh. What a disaster.

Already, I was lamenting going back to work soon. Sure, Winston is about the best baby anyone could ask for, but with the kids in sports and with me working again soon, I'll hardly ever see my husband. I had a twinge of jealousy when he emerged from the man-cave with his friend looking so refreshed Sunday evening. They really had a good prayer time. I wasn't jealous that he had that time with his friend. I was jealous that we just aren't on the same page that way. Steve mentioned on the way to the park that he should have invited his friend and his wife to go with us. I would have enjoyed that too, but then the thought that he didn't want to sit around just with me watching our kids go on rides. It was depressing. The realization has struck me before, after a weekend getaway where we attended a wedding. Sure, Steve doesn't like weddings, but afterward, I expected fun and intimacy and a nice country drive just the two of us...I was disappointed.

He got drunk at that wedding and didn't feel so good the next morning. He said he had a nice time on the drive home, but by the time we picked up the kids from my mom's, he was miserable and just wanted to get home. So I felt like the whole thing was a waste. The whole reason I wanted to go wasn't the wedding at all, it was the weekend away and I had a terrible time. We left late, we took the wrong route, he got drunk, I didn't feel safe or close anything good. Yes, overall, I had a good time with our friends, but I really could have done without the drunkenness. The weekend getaway with my HUSBAND wasn't so good.

So that's when I first got thinking about this: My husband doesn't like to do the things that I like to do. If he does things that he'd rather not do, he complains a lot and ends up spoiling it for me. Over a month later, we haven't done anything together and I wanted this ONE day to be nice. So maybe I should have erred on the side of caution and avoided a place where that woman was possibly going to be. But I just couldn't stand the thought of sitting around watching Star Trek for hours and hours. It's not that I don't like the show, it's just that it's so damn boring to just watch tv together. It's okay a couple nights a week or a whole day here or there, but it's about all we've done together as far back as I can remember. We've been to the beach twice. We've gone to the park here and there. Those things are nice, but it's relatively rare, like once a month or so.

I need some more interaction than that. I want him to want to be with me like once a week. It almost makes me laugh to actually type that, but it's true. I want him to say, "hey, I haven't seen you much, can I come sit with you at the kids' practice?" rather than loudly announcing "I'm too libidinous for you to be showing your toes like that and running off out of the house again." I'm not doing ANYTHING that excludes him. He could come if he wanted to. But he doesn't want to. I don't even want to ask him to come. I've mentioned several times that the girls' first game is Thursday and he hasn't made any noises about ANY interest in going. The point is, I feel like I'm often asking him to do things with me and he never willingly participates, so I give up on asking.

On the way to the park, I was remembering that our first date was to a similar place, with dinner. Was that not something he enjoyed? Why is the thought of that now so dreadful? That park, the water park, the zoo...all these places I feel like I'm dragging him there unwillingly. Then the one day he was willing to go FOR ME, that person had to be there. Maybe the dreams about the complaining was a warning from God. Maybe I should have submitted to my husbands wishes and just been a blob on the couch. Yes, I should have. But going for a walk on a trail once a month just doesn't do it for me. I want attention.

I've told him all this already, in different ways. I don't like feeling like all we do is coexist. Insert that woman interrupting what may have otherwise been a nice family outing, and now I'm dealing with all kinds of old emotions. I feel inadequate, boring, unattractive, boring. I bet he's struggling with old thoughts of her too. I'm angry that that would still be an issue. Sure, random images and temptations with porn come up sometimes. Sure, old thoughts about her even probably come up sometimes, but why does it still have a strong pull? I don't pine over old boyfriends. I think I could cross paths with an old boyfriend and not really be affected by it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could. Is it that she doesn't move on and he could easily open up that relationship again? Maybe that's it. What an unpleasant thought.

So I think to myself, forget about being needy and wanting more attention and all that selfishness...I should just be glad he's still choosing me. Even if it's only out of convenience. It's too expensive to be apart. We can't hardly afford food, let alone "us money" for the activities I'd like.

It's a crisis of faith because I feel like I should just abandon what I thought I was so sure God wanted from me. I feel like I HAVE to work to barely make ends meet. I HAVE to work to attempt to get out from under debt. But then my fertility will return more quickly. Then I will HAVE to go on some kind of birth control. Basically, I have to do what is logical. I have to take my fate into my own hands. I won't regret that God has given us 5 beautiful, healthy children. But God did not provide for them so far. We haven't been able to afford what little medical care they needed. Their pets. Service on the vehicle that can hold us all. We couldn't even afford to buy that vehicle.

So if I've been abandoned by Him, what then? Am I glad that my husband is so "in tune" with Him, that when he starts listening to what He says, there are immediate attacks on our marriage again? No. I'm not glad. I'm not glad at all. Maybe I don't want to be in the line of fire anymore. Maybe I would rather just be a "normal" person. I don't want internal conflicts other people don't have. Maybe I'd like to just take care of myself and not worry about a husband, or whether or not I "really" trust God. I'm not running off anywhere, it just feels like I can't depend on God or on my husband...like maybe I never should have before. Like maybe I should have gone back to school or work a long time ago and just believed what all the feminists say. Coexist and determine my own path. ? Sometimes I wish Nancy Leigh DeMoss never wrote that particular chapter about birth control. Sometimes I wish Steve hadn't read it before me. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't agreed to trust God that way. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I had used my own logic a long time ago.

I read about people coming out of the "quivverfull cult." Is it a cult? Most people that came out of it did so because of abuse and infidelity and desparate poverty. Well, I can't say I've suffered abuse, but I've got 2/3. Why? Why doesn't "trusting God" in that way work out to a good testimony of Him? This stupid thing won't paste for some reason. Psalm 37:25 something about I have not seen the righteous forsaken, I have not seen their seed begging bread. It looks like a promise. But I feel forsaken. I've felt like a beggar. I have had to tell people that I cannot pay for the services they have given us.

The last scripture I remember the Lord really speaking to my heart was that He "took hold of my right hand." He took my strength. Yeah, He did. But I haven't seen Him replace it with His own. Not yet. And in the meanwhile, I weakly toil. Or not. I sit typeing. haha...but I'll toil on after lunch. I just have to try to process these things in my head to ever hope to talk with Steve about them.

I reread these posts every so often.

I don't know why. I guess I look at this blog whenever I'm feeling depressed. I'm not feeling super depressed today, but all the same stresses are still here. We're broke as ever. I took the dog to the vet last week and had to tell the receptionist we didn't have the money up front, even though the vet gave us a hefty discount. I have to go grocery shopping today and try to not spend more than $200 for two weeks. I'm still mixed up about birth control and working outside the home. But I'm not real down about it today.

The girls have started volleyball. I wasted several hours trying to shop for some shorts for them online, without paying stupid shipping charges. It didn't work. Either I couldn't find the size, the color, the longer short, or else they were ridiculous with the shipping. So I've decided to wait till Steve gets home and take Rebekah. The good thing about shopping online is you don't have to take 5 kids. The bad thing about shopping online is if you need something specific and there's a possibility it won't fit or you won't get it in time, you end up going to the store anyway. So anyway, we'll be on a mission to find the girls some longish black gym shorts and Garrett some sneakers and hopefully not spend more than like $50 on them. We shall see.

Everybody is starting soccer on Saturday. I didn't think the girls would be into it since they're already doing volleyball, but they are excited about that too, which is pretty neat. It's pretty awesome that these homeschool sports things have come up and they're practically free and very close to us.

Steve and I have been talking about me going back to work. I'm not working yet since Winston was born. He's only 2.5 months old, so it's still pretty early. He's such a good baby, though. I think he'll do fine. He may keep Steve up a little later if I'm not here at bedtime, but if/when I do start working, that will only be one or two weekdays. I haven't decided whether to go back to Kohl's. It's kinda far if the price of gas is going to stay so high. I really should go over to the Georgia House and see if I could do something there. It's better money too. And free food every once in a while is a nice bonus. I still don't want to go back to work, though. I'm not so conflicted about it, I'll do it, and I'll be happy to cross several smaller debts off our list.

Winston is the nicest baby EVER. He takes good naps. He's happy when he's awake. He'll sit in his bouncy seat for long stretches of time. He smiles and coos and is just plain cute in every way. Except for today, he pretty much eats and sleeps all night long and I don't have to actually get up.

We started going back to church. Steve says he feels compelled to be available to the people there. He's put a few teaching videos up online. That's kinda nice too. I didn't like not going to church. Then I got used to it. So it's a little bit of an adjustment to go again since Sunday isn't really a "day off" then. But it's ok...I really like seeing good friends every week.