My husband's job is unbelievable. He works at least 55 hours a week and sometimes it's closer to 70 or 80. I read somewhere about how even salaried employees are entitled to overtime pay and I'm seriously thinking about contacting a lawyer to see how that could be tracked if we decided to persue it further. The pay JUST ISN'T ENOUGH for any of the people on the front lines of getting product into the stores for the amount of shit that's expected from them. Turns out some big wig gets a MAJOR bonus for keeping hours down...nevermind how many people are abused in the process. I guess for those getting paid hourly, that bonus he gets doesn't account for overtime hours. I totally get that companies want to save money. I don't get seriously taking advantage of good people and making EVERYONE INCLUDING CUSTOMERS mad in the process. Is it just arrogance? Do they think their product is so highly in demand that they really don't care? It seems so.
Where is God in all this? Why did my husband just happen to get stuck in a company that just sucks the life out of people by refusing to plan and make the busy season bearable? Sure, Steve has done well there, and his direct manager speaks very highly of him, but when will that be recognized by somebody actually listening to his suggestions or at least paying him for the ridiculous stuff he bends over backwards to do for the company.
He won a tv for meeting some sales goal. It's too damn big for where I'd like to put it. I'd rather sell it, but Steve will probably want to keep it. It's stupid. It's like they're thowing a bone to a dog to keep him from running away. And it's not like he hasn't applied anywhere else.
So. I want to talk to a lawyer. I want to find out if it's true that salary employees can get paid for overtime hours worked and what we have to do to keep track of the overtime hours worked to be able to prove it in court. Of course, we can't just sue his employer. They'd find a way to fire him. They easily could just say he's not meeting his duties. It's impossible with what they expect. If he's doing the best he can in 60+ hours most weeks, it's not like he hasn't tried. But in the event some other place does call him for an interview and he does actually get another job, it would be nice to get some compensation for the life stolen from our family.
There is no time aside from the weekend, and he's so worn down by then that Sunday is practically the only day to do anything...and then we have to go to bed early again to get ready for Monday. It's unreasonable. He eats, showers, and goes straight to bed most weeknights. There is no Daddy participation in a bedtime routine. There are no date nights. There are no family movie nights. Lately Saturday gets here, and he's had to work then too. I thought it was bad years ago when he was on a truck. I remember saying the same things. The company totally disregarded the law for truckers work hours. I would not be surprised in the least if they disregard it over pay for salaried people.
I could be happy with his current pay if we had a life, though.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Hmm...same old same old I guess
Little update: I started working again...black Friday to be exact. Boy, that was a bad day to start. Whatever. Steve got a promotion. Well, they call it a promotion, anyway. So now he's sorta a honcho and has to work till mostly everything is taken care of. I could tolerate that if the pay was a lot better. Supposedly, a big bonus is available sometimes, but we probably won't see that for over a year, if at all. So he wants me to work, but he doesn't want me to work. Yeah, I know his job is more important than mine. It's just annoying to hear over and over, "you can't work weeknights." OK, no weeknights except Friday cuz he can sleep in Saturday. But then even Fridays are stressful because I have to make arrangements in case he's not home in time. I think our oldest would be fine in charge for that hour or two after I've gone, but he doesn't agree I guess. Not Sunday night. I've tried to adjust my availability to the widest possible range so that I can even get scheduled at all. That keeps shrinking and I'm afraid that soon they'll say I'm just too much of a headache.
The truck's rear lights are out, so now I have to wait until he's home so I can take the car. I'm sick of being broke all the time. I'm sick of weighing what's most important because there isn't money for all of what we need. Should I skip a party for Garrett's birthday and just get the truck fixed? Should he have a bluetooth or should we get a rug for the baby to crawl on in the livingroom? Steve was disappointed that I didn't really think to include him in the Monster truck thing I took the boys to. My first thought was that he'd take them, but he said he wasn't into that "redneck scene." Fine. We couldn't have afforded to take everyone anyway, and the noise wouldn't have been good for the baby.
We did the taxes. I'm not even happy about it. Because again, I have to weigh what's most important. I could list a dozen or more sorta expensive things we need. There just isn't enough for them all. I wondered when we bought this house if the slanted floors would ever really get on my nerves. Turns out they don't really. Not the floors, anyway. But what gets on my nerves is that when things break or need to be done, it's up to me to figure something out on the cheap. Rebekah thought it wasn't a big deal, but she pulled off the front formica trim from the countertop the whole length of the side where the sink is. Sigh. Sure I'd like a new counter. Sure, I'd like a lot of things. But because the stupid fiberboard the whole thing was attached to is deteriorating from getting wet, that's become one of the more important things to do soon. A few hundred dollars here and there add up quick. The bottom line is, the tax refund is pretty much consumed and I had hoped that we could put a little dent in the bigger debt to help reduce monthly obligations. Oh well.
We've never starved. We've never not had comfy beds to sleep in. Sure, we couldn't get a new bed when the baby came and I was on a mattress on the floor because the big bed was too bouncy to have him together with Steve and me, but it wasn't so bad. It just seems like everything is a pain in the ass lately.
Someone on facebook recently put up a photo of a couple of african women carrying heavy loads. The caption read, "If hard work makes you rich, these women would be millionaires." It depressed me. I guess because it's just their lot in life to be poor. And they and their children might really face starvation. But there are photographers there to capture it for us rich westerners. We heard a blurb on the radio that the most expensive hot dog is $100. That would buy 100 packs of cheap hotdogs. Including buns, that would buy enough for 250 kids to have one each. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO PAY $100 FOR A HOT DOG. Sometimes, I can't believe this crazy world we live in.
There's a lady at work who works with the urban poor. In Baltimore, I think. Don't ask me how she works in Baltimore's projects, but also works with me hours away from there, but whatever. She was telling me how one of her girls is expecting twins. I offered her all Winston's clothes. I'm saving his clothes in a pile for whoever I hear of that could really use them. But this lady says the mother probably won't want them because she'd like to dress them alike. Can't afford squat, but still wants to dress them alike. I hope she has some generous friends. I think if I'd had twins, I would have wanted to dress them alike too. But I'd still take free stuff. Shoot, matching colors would do.
So anyway, I'm sick of life being so hard. There's nothing I can do about it, of course. I don't really want to go back in time and undo some of my decisions, but still. There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. When I was pregnant with Ryan and it was hard, it was different. I had hope that it was a season. Steve worked his butt off and it was okay because I was proud of him for wanting to be with his family and making that happen. Now I'm just tired. I've got what I wanted. He didn't leave. He works hard for us. He says he's happy and doesn't want to be anywhere else in the world. Good. I am glad about that.
But I'm tired. Tired of weighing the importance of things. Tired of feeling like a failure at mothering because resources are so limited that I don't feel like I have the tools to do a good job. Tired of being twisted and torn on the inside about things that most people don't think twice about.
I tell myself sometimes still that this is still a season. But soon this season of mothering will be gone and over. Somewhere I saw a saying, "In the end will you say 'I wish I had' or 'I'm glad I did'?" Hmm...I think I'll say both. haha As in, I wish I had stuff...like I wish we could take the kids on vacations. Nothing elaborate: camping, to CO to meet more family and see touristy stuff over there. I wish I had done better with Rebekah's school or kept her in school. I wish I had been able to help her develop her artistic talent more. I wish our home had more music, as in, kids learning to play music(or even me too.) But overall, I think I'll be in the I'm glad I did camp.
Steve was talking about watching a documentary about a scared straight program for at risk teen girls. Almost every one had anger issues that had something to do with their dad. Probably. I could see that. I mean, I used to be convinced my dad wasn't such a bad guy until he let his drinking cause abuse and family chaos. Well, now I'm older(and wiser?) and wonder why my dad still has no concept of reality. He ACTUALLY thinks people will pay $500 a day for a clunker to drive on the beach. People who can afford $500 a day for anything aren't going to want a clunker. Steve says my dad and my brother are men who can do a whole lot of things badly. He's got a point. The time they spend fixing junk could be spent working to get something nice that will last a long time. I guess I'm afraid our own situation will be the same....that we'll have no choice but to continue fixing junk forever.
Maybe those kids are just smarter than I was when I was young. I used to be convinced of a lot of things. I feel very unstable. Not really mentally unstable like I'm going off the deep end or anything. But unstable as in I don't know where my FOUNDATION went. Do I believe God is generally good and kind? Yes. Do I believe He's involved in our day-to-day lives and will give us compassion? Yes. Do I believe He has control over it all? Yes, but how does that jive with Him being good? THAT I don't know. I've had expectations of what He would do that did not get met. I don't know what to do with that. It makes me feel abandoned, like maybe I should have just fought and worked and depended on myself from the start. But then every once in a while, I get another glimpse of His great care for me and I cannot just abandon Him entirely. There doesn't seem to be any light at the end of my tunnel. Except that generally, I think I will be able to say with relative confidence that I gave my marriage and my kids the best that I could with what I had. Is that what's most important in life? I suppose. There's a whisper in the back of my head, "What about me? What about personal development or education or talents that went unused or undiscovered? Give give give and there's nothing of yourself left." I tell that voice to shut up. I hope when I'm old and kids are grown and gone there will still be time for that. And if there isn't, maybe it won't matter then. I tell that voice that I'm doing what matters most to me now. I survive another day. I press on with little to look forward to except that my children will grow up in a stable home and hopefully have the tools to navigate this world with much less trouble than Steve and I have had.
The truck's rear lights are out, so now I have to wait until he's home so I can take the car. I'm sick of being broke all the time. I'm sick of weighing what's most important because there isn't money for all of what we need. Should I skip a party for Garrett's birthday and just get the truck fixed? Should he have a bluetooth or should we get a rug for the baby to crawl on in the livingroom? Steve was disappointed that I didn't really think to include him in the Monster truck thing I took the boys to. My first thought was that he'd take them, but he said he wasn't into that "redneck scene." Fine. We couldn't have afforded to take everyone anyway, and the noise wouldn't have been good for the baby.
We did the taxes. I'm not even happy about it. Because again, I have to weigh what's most important. I could list a dozen or more sorta expensive things we need. There just isn't enough for them all. I wondered when we bought this house if the slanted floors would ever really get on my nerves. Turns out they don't really. Not the floors, anyway. But what gets on my nerves is that when things break or need to be done, it's up to me to figure something out on the cheap. Rebekah thought it wasn't a big deal, but she pulled off the front formica trim from the countertop the whole length of the side where the sink is. Sigh. Sure I'd like a new counter. Sure, I'd like a lot of things. But because the stupid fiberboard the whole thing was attached to is deteriorating from getting wet, that's become one of the more important things to do soon. A few hundred dollars here and there add up quick. The bottom line is, the tax refund is pretty much consumed and I had hoped that we could put a little dent in the bigger debt to help reduce monthly obligations. Oh well.
We've never starved. We've never not had comfy beds to sleep in. Sure, we couldn't get a new bed when the baby came and I was on a mattress on the floor because the big bed was too bouncy to have him together with Steve and me, but it wasn't so bad. It just seems like everything is a pain in the ass lately.
Someone on facebook recently put up a photo of a couple of african women carrying heavy loads. The caption read, "If hard work makes you rich, these women would be millionaires." It depressed me. I guess because it's just their lot in life to be poor. And they and their children might really face starvation. But there are photographers there to capture it for us rich westerners. We heard a blurb on the radio that the most expensive hot dog is $100. That would buy 100 packs of cheap hotdogs. Including buns, that would buy enough for 250 kids to have one each. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO PAY $100 FOR A HOT DOG. Sometimes, I can't believe this crazy world we live in.
There's a lady at work who works with the urban poor. In Baltimore, I think. Don't ask me how she works in Baltimore's projects, but also works with me hours away from there, but whatever. She was telling me how one of her girls is expecting twins. I offered her all Winston's clothes. I'm saving his clothes in a pile for whoever I hear of that could really use them. But this lady says the mother probably won't want them because she'd like to dress them alike. Can't afford squat, but still wants to dress them alike. I hope she has some generous friends. I think if I'd had twins, I would have wanted to dress them alike too. But I'd still take free stuff. Shoot, matching colors would do.
So anyway, I'm sick of life being so hard. There's nothing I can do about it, of course. I don't really want to go back in time and undo some of my decisions, but still. There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. When I was pregnant with Ryan and it was hard, it was different. I had hope that it was a season. Steve worked his butt off and it was okay because I was proud of him for wanting to be with his family and making that happen. Now I'm just tired. I've got what I wanted. He didn't leave. He works hard for us. He says he's happy and doesn't want to be anywhere else in the world. Good. I am glad about that.
But I'm tired. Tired of weighing the importance of things. Tired of feeling like a failure at mothering because resources are so limited that I don't feel like I have the tools to do a good job. Tired of being twisted and torn on the inside about things that most people don't think twice about.
I tell myself sometimes still that this is still a season. But soon this season of mothering will be gone and over. Somewhere I saw a saying, "In the end will you say 'I wish I had' or 'I'm glad I did'?" Hmm...I think I'll say both. haha As in, I wish I had stuff...like I wish we could take the kids on vacations. Nothing elaborate: camping, to CO to meet more family and see touristy stuff over there. I wish I had done better with Rebekah's school or kept her in school. I wish I had been able to help her develop her artistic talent more. I wish our home had more music, as in, kids learning to play music(or even me too.) But overall, I think I'll be in the I'm glad I did camp.
Steve was talking about watching a documentary about a scared straight program for at risk teen girls. Almost every one had anger issues that had something to do with their dad. Probably. I could see that. I mean, I used to be convinced my dad wasn't such a bad guy until he let his drinking cause abuse and family chaos. Well, now I'm older(and wiser?) and wonder why my dad still has no concept of reality. He ACTUALLY thinks people will pay $500 a day for a clunker to drive on the beach. People who can afford $500 a day for anything aren't going to want a clunker. Steve says my dad and my brother are men who can do a whole lot of things badly. He's got a point. The time they spend fixing junk could be spent working to get something nice that will last a long time. I guess I'm afraid our own situation will be the same....that we'll have no choice but to continue fixing junk forever.
Maybe those kids are just smarter than I was when I was young. I used to be convinced of a lot of things. I feel very unstable. Not really mentally unstable like I'm going off the deep end or anything. But unstable as in I don't know where my FOUNDATION went. Do I believe God is generally good and kind? Yes. Do I believe He's involved in our day-to-day lives and will give us compassion? Yes. Do I believe He has control over it all? Yes, but how does that jive with Him being good? THAT I don't know. I've had expectations of what He would do that did not get met. I don't know what to do with that. It makes me feel abandoned, like maybe I should have just fought and worked and depended on myself from the start. But then every once in a while, I get another glimpse of His great care for me and I cannot just abandon Him entirely. There doesn't seem to be any light at the end of my tunnel. Except that generally, I think I will be able to say with relative confidence that I gave my marriage and my kids the best that I could with what I had. Is that what's most important in life? I suppose. There's a whisper in the back of my head, "What about me? What about personal development or education or talents that went unused or undiscovered? Give give give and there's nothing of yourself left." I tell that voice to shut up. I hope when I'm old and kids are grown and gone there will still be time for that. And if there isn't, maybe it won't matter then. I tell that voice that I'm doing what matters most to me now. I survive another day. I press on with little to look forward to except that my children will grow up in a stable home and hopefully have the tools to navigate this world with much less trouble than Steve and I have had.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
frustrated
It seems that in this house, I am the only one with any desire or motivation to do things. Except for dishes. I can get plenty of help with dishes. But as for honey-do lists....that'd fall on me. Even when he says he'd like to do things, it's up to me to get it started and basically do it myself.
This is a major revelation this week. Because I thought if he says he wants to do things, I should just leave room for him to do it and do my own thing. But I have been told that it is an unreasonable expectation that he will do what he says he wants to do without help. And he cannot get started or even ask for help to get started from his own initiative. But maybe, just maybe if I took some initiative, things might get started if I'm lucky.
So today I am very pissed off and will just determine to do it all myself and if he helps a bit, good, but I don't really expect it.
If I had realized this MONTHS or YEARS ago, I could have saved myself quite a bit of frustration.
So this has been yet another way I've looked at things up to now that turns out to be backwards and wrong.
This is a major revelation this week. Because I thought if he says he wants to do things, I should just leave room for him to do it and do my own thing. But I have been told that it is an unreasonable expectation that he will do what he says he wants to do without help. And he cannot get started or even ask for help to get started from his own initiative. But maybe, just maybe if I took some initiative, things might get started if I'm lucky.
So today I am very pissed off and will just determine to do it all myself and if he helps a bit, good, but I don't really expect it.
If I had realized this MONTHS or YEARS ago, I could have saved myself quite a bit of frustration.
So this has been yet another way I've looked at things up to now that turns out to be backwards and wrong.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
bad day
I don't know who, if anyone, reads this. I'll just vent. We took the family to the amusement park yesterday. I REALLY looked forward to it. I kinda dreaded such a busy weekend, but it turned out okay. We had volleyball Thursday, grocery shopping and finding volleyball shorts Friday, Soccer Saturday morning. I did get a nap Saturday afternoon, and I think that made all the difference. Steve and the kids had a fire Saturday night. Church Sunday morning. Church BBQ Sunday afternoon. Came home and Steve had a friend over all day, which I didn't mind at all.
I had my truck parked on the street so I didn't park Steve's friend in, and somebody drove by and smashed the mirror off. So there was an hour or two wasted on the phone with the insurance and the police. And the appt to have the truck looked at is on Wednesday, which was my only day home except for Friday. So even though I knew I had a busy week ahead, I really looked forward to the amusement park with Steve and the kids. I knew it wasn't Steve's thing to be around crowds, but at least it wasn't going to be very hot and I would get to do something with him, and the kids would have a BLAST on the rides and stuff.
I had dreams two nights in a row that Steve and I were on our way to do things like the amusement park and he was complaining the whole way about hating the crowds and not wanting to go, etc. I told him about the dreams. He didn't want to go Monday because he would have rather stayed home and bombed the house again for fleas(the last ones must not have killed the eggs cuz the fleas are still terrible after a week or two of relief). He also would have preferred watching Star Trek all day long. Well, we should have and actually the forecast called for rain, so if it got really cloudy and ominous, I would have been disappointed, but stayed home. But it didn't. It was blue skies and puffy white happy clouds.
I packed food for lunch in case they didn't serve food and we headed out. Steve mentioned being a bit nervous that the other woman would be there, but he did try hard to not complain a whole lot. I told him I did kinda look for her last time we were there, and I didn't see her, so maybe she wasn't going to be there. I had a little hope that the day would be as pleasant as the drive out there. I should have known better.
She was there, and he spotted her within three minutes of our arrival. I didn't even choke a hotdog down before he was saying we should just go. If I had half a brain, I would have cheerily told the kids: change of plans, the rides weren't open yet and we were going to the beach instead. But no, I had to be stubborn. I figured the park was pretty big. If she even saw him, maybe she'd avoid us and we'd avoid her and the day wouldn't be a total wreck after all. Why should I have to adjust everything? Why can't I enjoy a free activity with my kids and husband without her being around?
She was there alright, and she didn't have any qualms about walking right near us practically the whole time. She was within sight almost the ENTIRE time we were there. Steve thinks it was on purpose. He said that she and her mother came and said hello to him when I took Ryan on a ride. Maybe it was on purpose. The hello certainly was. So okay, Steve was basically under assault the whole time we were there. And I was dragging him along, trying to have a good time and give the kids a good time. Sigh. What a disaster.
Already, I was lamenting going back to work soon. Sure, Winston is about the best baby anyone could ask for, but with the kids in sports and with me working again soon, I'll hardly ever see my husband. I had a twinge of jealousy when he emerged from the man-cave with his friend looking so refreshed Sunday evening. They really had a good prayer time. I wasn't jealous that he had that time with his friend. I was jealous that we just aren't on the same page that way. Steve mentioned on the way to the park that he should have invited his friend and his wife to go with us. I would have enjoyed that too, but then the thought that he didn't want to sit around just with me watching our kids go on rides. It was depressing. The realization has struck me before, after a weekend getaway where we attended a wedding. Sure, Steve doesn't like weddings, but afterward, I expected fun and intimacy and a nice country drive just the two of us...I was disappointed.
He got drunk at that wedding and didn't feel so good the next morning. He said he had a nice time on the drive home, but by the time we picked up the kids from my mom's, he was miserable and just wanted to get home. So I felt like the whole thing was a waste. The whole reason I wanted to go wasn't the wedding at all, it was the weekend away and I had a terrible time. We left late, we took the wrong route, he got drunk, I didn't feel safe or close anything good. Yes, overall, I had a good time with our friends, but I really could have done without the drunkenness. The weekend getaway with my HUSBAND wasn't so good.
So that's when I first got thinking about this: My husband doesn't like to do the things that I like to do. If he does things that he'd rather not do, he complains a lot and ends up spoiling it for me. Over a month later, we haven't done anything together and I wanted this ONE day to be nice. So maybe I should have erred on the side of caution and avoided a place where that woman was possibly going to be. But I just couldn't stand the thought of sitting around watching Star Trek for hours and hours. It's not that I don't like the show, it's just that it's so damn boring to just watch tv together. It's okay a couple nights a week or a whole day here or there, but it's about all we've done together as far back as I can remember. We've been to the beach twice. We've gone to the park here and there. Those things are nice, but it's relatively rare, like once a month or so.
I need some more interaction than that. I want him to want to be with me like once a week. It almost makes me laugh to actually type that, but it's true. I want him to say, "hey, I haven't seen you much, can I come sit with you at the kids' practice?" rather than loudly announcing "I'm too libidinous for you to be showing your toes like that and running off out of the house again." I'm not doing ANYTHING that excludes him. He could come if he wanted to. But he doesn't want to. I don't even want to ask him to come. I've mentioned several times that the girls' first game is Thursday and he hasn't made any noises about ANY interest in going. The point is, I feel like I'm often asking him to do things with me and he never willingly participates, so I give up on asking.
On the way to the park, I was remembering that our first date was to a similar place, with dinner. Was that not something he enjoyed? Why is the thought of that now so dreadful? That park, the water park, the zoo...all these places I feel like I'm dragging him there unwillingly. Then the one day he was willing to go FOR ME, that person had to be there. Maybe the dreams about the complaining was a warning from God. Maybe I should have submitted to my husbands wishes and just been a blob on the couch. Yes, I should have. But going for a walk on a trail once a month just doesn't do it for me. I want attention.
I've told him all this already, in different ways. I don't like feeling like all we do is coexist. Insert that woman interrupting what may have otherwise been a nice family outing, and now I'm dealing with all kinds of old emotions. I feel inadequate, boring, unattractive, boring. I bet he's struggling with old thoughts of her too. I'm angry that that would still be an issue. Sure, random images and temptations with porn come up sometimes. Sure, old thoughts about her even probably come up sometimes, but why does it still have a strong pull? I don't pine over old boyfriends. I think I could cross paths with an old boyfriend and not really be affected by it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could. Is it that she doesn't move on and he could easily open up that relationship again? Maybe that's it. What an unpleasant thought.
So I think to myself, forget about being needy and wanting more attention and all that selfishness...I should just be glad he's still choosing me. Even if it's only out of convenience. It's too expensive to be apart. We can't hardly afford food, let alone "us money" for the activities I'd like.
It's a crisis of faith because I feel like I should just abandon what I thought I was so sure God wanted from me. I feel like I HAVE to work to barely make ends meet. I HAVE to work to attempt to get out from under debt. But then my fertility will return more quickly. Then I will HAVE to go on some kind of birth control. Basically, I have to do what is logical. I have to take my fate into my own hands. I won't regret that God has given us 5 beautiful, healthy children. But God did not provide for them so far. We haven't been able to afford what little medical care they needed. Their pets. Service on the vehicle that can hold us all. We couldn't even afford to buy that vehicle.
So if I've been abandoned by Him, what then? Am I glad that my husband is so "in tune" with Him, that when he starts listening to what He says, there are immediate attacks on our marriage again? No. I'm not glad. I'm not glad at all. Maybe I don't want to be in the line of fire anymore. Maybe I would rather just be a "normal" person. I don't want internal conflicts other people don't have. Maybe I'd like to just take care of myself and not worry about a husband, or whether or not I "really" trust God. I'm not running off anywhere, it just feels like I can't depend on God or on my husband...like maybe I never should have before. Like maybe I should have gone back to school or work a long time ago and just believed what all the feminists say. Coexist and determine my own path. ? Sometimes I wish Nancy Leigh DeMoss never wrote that particular chapter about birth control. Sometimes I wish Steve hadn't read it before me. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't agreed to trust God that way. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I had used my own logic a long time ago.
I read about people coming out of the "quivverfull cult." Is it a cult? Most people that came out of it did so because of abuse and infidelity and desparate poverty. Well, I can't say I've suffered abuse, but I've got 2/3. Why? Why doesn't "trusting God" in that way work out to a good testimony of Him? This stupid thing won't paste for some reason. Psalm 37:25 something about I have not seen the righteous forsaken, I have not seen their seed begging bread. It looks like a promise. But I feel forsaken. I've felt like a beggar. I have had to tell people that I cannot pay for the services they have given us.
The last scripture I remember the Lord really speaking to my heart was that He "took hold of my right hand." He took my strength. Yeah, He did. But I haven't seen Him replace it with His own. Not yet. And in the meanwhile, I weakly toil. Or not. I sit typeing. haha...but I'll toil on after lunch. I just have to try to process these things in my head to ever hope to talk with Steve about them.
I had my truck parked on the street so I didn't park Steve's friend in, and somebody drove by and smashed the mirror off. So there was an hour or two wasted on the phone with the insurance and the police. And the appt to have the truck looked at is on Wednesday, which was my only day home except for Friday. So even though I knew I had a busy week ahead, I really looked forward to the amusement park with Steve and the kids. I knew it wasn't Steve's thing to be around crowds, but at least it wasn't going to be very hot and I would get to do something with him, and the kids would have a BLAST on the rides and stuff.
I had dreams two nights in a row that Steve and I were on our way to do things like the amusement park and he was complaining the whole way about hating the crowds and not wanting to go, etc. I told him about the dreams. He didn't want to go Monday because he would have rather stayed home and bombed the house again for fleas(the last ones must not have killed the eggs cuz the fleas are still terrible after a week or two of relief). He also would have preferred watching Star Trek all day long. Well, we should have and actually the forecast called for rain, so if it got really cloudy and ominous, I would have been disappointed, but stayed home. But it didn't. It was blue skies and puffy white happy clouds.
I packed food for lunch in case they didn't serve food and we headed out. Steve mentioned being a bit nervous that the other woman would be there, but he did try hard to not complain a whole lot. I told him I did kinda look for her last time we were there, and I didn't see her, so maybe she wasn't going to be there. I had a little hope that the day would be as pleasant as the drive out there. I should have known better.
She was there, and he spotted her within three minutes of our arrival. I didn't even choke a hotdog down before he was saying we should just go. If I had half a brain, I would have cheerily told the kids: change of plans, the rides weren't open yet and we were going to the beach instead. But no, I had to be stubborn. I figured the park was pretty big. If she even saw him, maybe she'd avoid us and we'd avoid her and the day wouldn't be a total wreck after all. Why should I have to adjust everything? Why can't I enjoy a free activity with my kids and husband without her being around?
She was there alright, and she didn't have any qualms about walking right near us practically the whole time. She was within sight almost the ENTIRE time we were there. Steve thinks it was on purpose. He said that she and her mother came and said hello to him when I took Ryan on a ride. Maybe it was on purpose. The hello certainly was. So okay, Steve was basically under assault the whole time we were there. And I was dragging him along, trying to have a good time and give the kids a good time. Sigh. What a disaster.
Already, I was lamenting going back to work soon. Sure, Winston is about the best baby anyone could ask for, but with the kids in sports and with me working again soon, I'll hardly ever see my husband. I had a twinge of jealousy when he emerged from the man-cave with his friend looking so refreshed Sunday evening. They really had a good prayer time. I wasn't jealous that he had that time with his friend. I was jealous that we just aren't on the same page that way. Steve mentioned on the way to the park that he should have invited his friend and his wife to go with us. I would have enjoyed that too, but then the thought that he didn't want to sit around just with me watching our kids go on rides. It was depressing. The realization has struck me before, after a weekend getaway where we attended a wedding. Sure, Steve doesn't like weddings, but afterward, I expected fun and intimacy and a nice country drive just the two of us...I was disappointed.
He got drunk at that wedding and didn't feel so good the next morning. He said he had a nice time on the drive home, but by the time we picked up the kids from my mom's, he was miserable and just wanted to get home. So I felt like the whole thing was a waste. The whole reason I wanted to go wasn't the wedding at all, it was the weekend away and I had a terrible time. We left late, we took the wrong route, he got drunk, I didn't feel safe or close anything good. Yes, overall, I had a good time with our friends, but I really could have done without the drunkenness. The weekend getaway with my HUSBAND wasn't so good.
So that's when I first got thinking about this: My husband doesn't like to do the things that I like to do. If he does things that he'd rather not do, he complains a lot and ends up spoiling it for me. Over a month later, we haven't done anything together and I wanted this ONE day to be nice. So maybe I should have erred on the side of caution and avoided a place where that woman was possibly going to be. But I just couldn't stand the thought of sitting around watching Star Trek for hours and hours. It's not that I don't like the show, it's just that it's so damn boring to just watch tv together. It's okay a couple nights a week or a whole day here or there, but it's about all we've done together as far back as I can remember. We've been to the beach twice. We've gone to the park here and there. Those things are nice, but it's relatively rare, like once a month or so.
I need some more interaction than that. I want him to want to be with me like once a week. It almost makes me laugh to actually type that, but it's true. I want him to say, "hey, I haven't seen you much, can I come sit with you at the kids' practice?" rather than loudly announcing "I'm too libidinous for you to be showing your toes like that and running off out of the house again." I'm not doing ANYTHING that excludes him. He could come if he wanted to. But he doesn't want to. I don't even want to ask him to come. I've mentioned several times that the girls' first game is Thursday and he hasn't made any noises about ANY interest in going. The point is, I feel like I'm often asking him to do things with me and he never willingly participates, so I give up on asking.
On the way to the park, I was remembering that our first date was to a similar place, with dinner. Was that not something he enjoyed? Why is the thought of that now so dreadful? That park, the water park, the zoo...all these places I feel like I'm dragging him there unwillingly. Then the one day he was willing to go FOR ME, that person had to be there. Maybe the dreams about the complaining was a warning from God. Maybe I should have submitted to my husbands wishes and just been a blob on the couch. Yes, I should have. But going for a walk on a trail once a month just doesn't do it for me. I want attention.
I've told him all this already, in different ways. I don't like feeling like all we do is coexist. Insert that woman interrupting what may have otherwise been a nice family outing, and now I'm dealing with all kinds of old emotions. I feel inadequate, boring, unattractive, boring. I bet he's struggling with old thoughts of her too. I'm angry that that would still be an issue. Sure, random images and temptations with porn come up sometimes. Sure, old thoughts about her even probably come up sometimes, but why does it still have a strong pull? I don't pine over old boyfriends. I think I could cross paths with an old boyfriend and not really be affected by it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could. Is it that she doesn't move on and he could easily open up that relationship again? Maybe that's it. What an unpleasant thought.
So I think to myself, forget about being needy and wanting more attention and all that selfishness...I should just be glad he's still choosing me. Even if it's only out of convenience. It's too expensive to be apart. We can't hardly afford food, let alone "us money" for the activities I'd like.
It's a crisis of faith because I feel like I should just abandon what I thought I was so sure God wanted from me. I feel like I HAVE to work to barely make ends meet. I HAVE to work to attempt to get out from under debt. But then my fertility will return more quickly. Then I will HAVE to go on some kind of birth control. Basically, I have to do what is logical. I have to take my fate into my own hands. I won't regret that God has given us 5 beautiful, healthy children. But God did not provide for them so far. We haven't been able to afford what little medical care they needed. Their pets. Service on the vehicle that can hold us all. We couldn't even afford to buy that vehicle.
So if I've been abandoned by Him, what then? Am I glad that my husband is so "in tune" with Him, that when he starts listening to what He says, there are immediate attacks on our marriage again? No. I'm not glad. I'm not glad at all. Maybe I don't want to be in the line of fire anymore. Maybe I would rather just be a "normal" person. I don't want internal conflicts other people don't have. Maybe I'd like to just take care of myself and not worry about a husband, or whether or not I "really" trust God. I'm not running off anywhere, it just feels like I can't depend on God or on my husband...like maybe I never should have before. Like maybe I should have gone back to school or work a long time ago and just believed what all the feminists say. Coexist and determine my own path. ? Sometimes I wish Nancy Leigh DeMoss never wrote that particular chapter about birth control. Sometimes I wish Steve hadn't read it before me. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't agreed to trust God that way. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I had used my own logic a long time ago.
I read about people coming out of the "quivverfull cult." Is it a cult? Most people that came out of it did so because of abuse and infidelity and desparate poverty. Well, I can't say I've suffered abuse, but I've got 2/3. Why? Why doesn't "trusting God" in that way work out to a good testimony of Him? This stupid thing won't paste for some reason. Psalm 37:25 something about I have not seen the righteous forsaken, I have not seen their seed begging bread. It looks like a promise. But I feel forsaken. I've felt like a beggar. I have had to tell people that I cannot pay for the services they have given us.
The last scripture I remember the Lord really speaking to my heart was that He "took hold of my right hand." He took my strength. Yeah, He did. But I haven't seen Him replace it with His own. Not yet. And in the meanwhile, I weakly toil. Or not. I sit typeing. haha...but I'll toil on after lunch. I just have to try to process these things in my head to ever hope to talk with Steve about them.
Friday, September 2, 2011
I reread these posts every so often.
I don't know why. I guess I look at this blog whenever I'm feeling depressed. I'm not feeling super depressed today, but all the same stresses are still here. We're broke as ever. I took the dog to the vet last week and had to tell the receptionist we didn't have the money up front, even though the vet gave us a hefty discount. I have to go grocery shopping today and try to not spend more than $200 for two weeks. I'm still mixed up about birth control and working outside the home. But I'm not real down about it today.
The girls have started volleyball. I wasted several hours trying to shop for some shorts for them online, without paying stupid shipping charges. It didn't work. Either I couldn't find the size, the color, the longer short, or else they were ridiculous with the shipping. So I've decided to wait till Steve gets home and take Rebekah. The good thing about shopping online is you don't have to take 5 kids. The bad thing about shopping online is if you need something specific and there's a possibility it won't fit or you won't get it in time, you end up going to the store anyway. So anyway, we'll be on a mission to find the girls some longish black gym shorts and Garrett some sneakers and hopefully not spend more than like $50 on them. We shall see.
Everybody is starting soccer on Saturday. I didn't think the girls would be into it since they're already doing volleyball, but they are excited about that too, which is pretty neat. It's pretty awesome that these homeschool sports things have come up and they're practically free and very close to us.
Steve and I have been talking about me going back to work. I'm not working yet since Winston was born. He's only 2.5 months old, so it's still pretty early. He's such a good baby, though. I think he'll do fine. He may keep Steve up a little later if I'm not here at bedtime, but if/when I do start working, that will only be one or two weekdays. I haven't decided whether to go back to Kohl's. It's kinda far if the price of gas is going to stay so high. I really should go over to the Georgia House and see if I could do something there. It's better money too. And free food every once in a while is a nice bonus. I still don't want to go back to work, though. I'm not so conflicted about it, I'll do it, and I'll be happy to cross several smaller debts off our list.
Winston is the nicest baby EVER. He takes good naps. He's happy when he's awake. He'll sit in his bouncy seat for long stretches of time. He smiles and coos and is just plain cute in every way. Except for today, he pretty much eats and sleeps all night long and I don't have to actually get up.
We started going back to church. Steve says he feels compelled to be available to the people there. He's put a few teaching videos up online. That's kinda nice too. I didn't like not going to church. Then I got used to it. So it's a little bit of an adjustment to go again since Sunday isn't really a "day off" then. But it's ok...I really like seeing good friends every week.
The girls have started volleyball. I wasted several hours trying to shop for some shorts for them online, without paying stupid shipping charges. It didn't work. Either I couldn't find the size, the color, the longer short, or else they were ridiculous with the shipping. So I've decided to wait till Steve gets home and take Rebekah. The good thing about shopping online is you don't have to take 5 kids. The bad thing about shopping online is if you need something specific and there's a possibility it won't fit or you won't get it in time, you end up going to the store anyway. So anyway, we'll be on a mission to find the girls some longish black gym shorts and Garrett some sneakers and hopefully not spend more than like $50 on them. We shall see.
Everybody is starting soccer on Saturday. I didn't think the girls would be into it since they're already doing volleyball, but they are excited about that too, which is pretty neat. It's pretty awesome that these homeschool sports things have come up and they're practically free and very close to us.
Steve and I have been talking about me going back to work. I'm not working yet since Winston was born. He's only 2.5 months old, so it's still pretty early. He's such a good baby, though. I think he'll do fine. He may keep Steve up a little later if I'm not here at bedtime, but if/when I do start working, that will only be one or two weekdays. I haven't decided whether to go back to Kohl's. It's kinda far if the price of gas is going to stay so high. I really should go over to the Georgia House and see if I could do something there. It's better money too. And free food every once in a while is a nice bonus. I still don't want to go back to work, though. I'm not so conflicted about it, I'll do it, and I'll be happy to cross several smaller debts off our list.
Winston is the nicest baby EVER. He takes good naps. He's happy when he's awake. He'll sit in his bouncy seat for long stretches of time. He smiles and coos and is just plain cute in every way. Except for today, he pretty much eats and sleeps all night long and I don't have to actually get up.
We started going back to church. Steve says he feels compelled to be available to the people there. He's put a few teaching videos up online. That's kinda nice too. I didn't like not going to church. Then I got used to it. So it's a little bit of an adjustment to go again since Sunday isn't really a "day off" then. But it's ok...I really like seeing good friends every week.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
ok ok some good news
I did qualify for Medicaid. That's a relief. I knew in Delaware, pretty much any pregnant woman can get it, but still. So...I'll stick with the cruddy dr office. The dr seemed nice too...I already saw his wife, the midwife and I like them both ok.
I'm somehow going to pull off surprising my mother with the news of the pregnancy. Steve kinda told everyone on facebook. Not in an "announcement" post, but in a comment to something about applying for a new job at Pepsi. So not everyone noticed, I'm sure.
I saw Mom today at the dentist office, but I still had my coat on. She may watch the kids in the morning, but it looks like I'll go up to her house and drop them off, so I can keep my coat on again. hehe
Maybe I'll scan the picture of the sonogram and frame it for her to open as a present. I didn't get pictures of the kids done up for Christmas. hahaha
I guess I didn't mention before that I'm showing already. Can't fit any zippered pants and the maternity pants won't stay up. LOL
I'm somehow going to pull off surprising my mother with the news of the pregnancy. Steve kinda told everyone on facebook. Not in an "announcement" post, but in a comment to something about applying for a new job at Pepsi. So not everyone noticed, I'm sure.
I saw Mom today at the dentist office, but I still had my coat on. She may watch the kids in the morning, but it looks like I'll go up to her house and drop them off, so I can keep my coat on again. hehe
Maybe I'll scan the picture of the sonogram and frame it for her to open as a present. I didn't get pictures of the kids done up for Christmas. hahaha
I guess I didn't mention before that I'm showing already. Can't fit any zippered pants and the maternity pants won't stay up. LOL
Sad
I guess most of what I write in here is depressing. I don't mean to be totally depressing, I'm not really depressed person in general. I guess I just feel better after I write things out, so here it is. Sorry it doesn't include the fun, happy-go-lucky stuff. That's one of the reasons I miss JS. I shared it all there. Can't quite share it all on facebook, and nobody comments here, so there's really no incentive to share the happy stuff. Maybe this will just be my little place to vent, then.
A friend's husband is leaving her. :( They've always had a stormy relationship, but he's getting emotionally involved with another woman and has said for months that he's tired of trying. So throw another woman and the grass seeming greener in there, and a serious lack of people telling him it's a big mistake, and it's going down the tubes fast.
What's strange is that she seems seriously on board with changing herself and really really wanting God in their relationship(after so long that he did and she didn't). I don't get it. I don't get why "Christian" husbands are so ready to walk, especially walk into a death trap of an affair. They know what's right, they're just unwilling to stick out being "unhappy." I guess there are plenty of women who jump ship because they're unhappy too. Both make me mad.
I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do or say. I just want to hug her. She's been sharing with me for some time now, and I never have wanted to give her false hope. We really can't tell what someone is going to do. I suppose God could give her an inkling, if He were so inclined, but generally, we just have to walk along not knowing.
She doesn't want to be alone. She is perfectly capable of being alone. She has a good job and can support herself. She probably has money saved. Big difference there, as far as what I was afraid of in being alone. It's just so darn crushing to actually face the real possibility that your life mate, the one you dreamed of growing old with...will be gone.
I am seriously pissed off and very sad.
A friend's husband is leaving her. :( They've always had a stormy relationship, but he's getting emotionally involved with another woman and has said for months that he's tired of trying. So throw another woman and the grass seeming greener in there, and a serious lack of people telling him it's a big mistake, and it's going down the tubes fast.
What's strange is that she seems seriously on board with changing herself and really really wanting God in their relationship(after so long that he did and she didn't). I don't get it. I don't get why "Christian" husbands are so ready to walk, especially walk into a death trap of an affair. They know what's right, they're just unwilling to stick out being "unhappy." I guess there are plenty of women who jump ship because they're unhappy too. Both make me mad.
I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do or say. I just want to hug her. She's been sharing with me for some time now, and I never have wanted to give her false hope. We really can't tell what someone is going to do. I suppose God could give her an inkling, if He were so inclined, but generally, we just have to walk along not knowing.
She doesn't want to be alone. She is perfectly capable of being alone. She has a good job and can support herself. She probably has money saved. Big difference there, as far as what I was afraid of in being alone. It's just so darn crushing to actually face the real possibility that your life mate, the one you dreamed of growing old with...will be gone.
I am seriously pissed off and very sad.
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