All alone

Steve is at work and Ryan did end up going to VBS and my mom's last night, so here I am with a whole day to myself, all alone. I'm trying to remember when the last time I had 11 hours to myself, and I don't think that's happened since I had Rebekah. Wow. Steve has had a few days to himself, like on Saturdays once in a great while when I take the kids to do something. But I don't think I've ever been home more than like 2 or 3 hours without kids. It's very strange.

I think I will take the dog for a walk after I do some cleaning and get a very hot bath. I have to go to the library to return things and I have to go to the bank, so I suppose I'll ride my bike up there after the walk. Then lunch. Then I don't know what. I think I'll call my hairdresser once I finish this post and see if she has any appts this afternoon or tomorrow.

I haven't had a haircut from her in ages. I let all the layers grow out like three years ago and have just trimmed it myself from time to time. Last time I trimmed it, I took several inches off so that it'd be chin-lenth or so, but I wasn't too crazy about it. I wished I could have layered it a bit, but I'm too chicken to do that. I tried it once on Rebekah and it was awful. So anyway, I think I'd like some layers and if she has time, maybe some highlights.

Steve has always said that women who are in crises change their hair. He's right. I wasn't having a crisis when I chopped mine off a few months ago, but now that I am, I think I'll go get the layers I wanted. Every time I have done something to my hair during a crisis, though, I have regretted it and felt like I betrayed myself. Long ago, I got it cut really short, and then had different short styles as it grew and needed to be maintained. I think I really hated it. There was one style that I particularly liked, but I'd have to get it cut every month almost to keep it, and I just don't have that kind of commitment to it. Like Steve said, I was doing something to the outside to try and make up for the inside turmoil. He didn't say that specifically about it at the time, he's just said that in general about women. But I knew that's exactly what I did and I felt like my outside displayed my insecurities on the inside. I don't think that's what I'll be doing if I get my hair cut this week, though. I wish I could find a cut that I felt like really fit me and was stylish. I've always just had plain jane hair. The most I ever do with it is put it in a clip for an up-do. But I don't like it in my face, and I don't want to spend much time on it.

Steve and I have resolved to set time aside each day for talking. That's good. I haven't told him about this blog, but I think I have said everything that's in here(and more). Sometimes I think I communicate better when I've sorted things out already. It's difficult to talk with him. I don't feel like I can just say whatever is on my mind all the time. I do after a while, but I feel like I need to process it, and analyze it and have a good understanding of it myself before I say anything to him. I feel like it's not valid unless I can explain it fully.