I briefly glanced at the layout templates on here. This pink will work alright. It's girly. I painted my toenails a sparkly peach color. I like to paint my toenails once in a while. People say I have nice feet, but I don't think so. Well, my feet are ok, but I don't like my toenails. I've always wondered if I had some kind of something wrong with them. The big toenail is always yellowish and kinda brittle. I've never asked the doctor about it. I just keep them painted. I must have dropped something on my toe while we were working on the house at some point. Part of the right toe had a brown spot that grew into it, like it was injured in the cuticle. Once it got about half way, it separated from underneath. Thankfully, I think it will grow out normally, but it's been kinda gross that it goes so far up under to clean it.

One time, there was a prayer line in church for healing where the preacher asked people with toe problems to come up. I was hesitant because it wasn't "diagnosed" as a problem, and I knew there were people with real problems going on, but then I thought to myself. Well, little things matter to God, so why not? So I went up. I was surprised by how emotional I was. I felt like taking that step forward was in a way, surrendering something I was ashamed of, but minimized, to God. Like, to Him, little things and big things were the same: He cared for them all.

Well, my toenails had been yellow for years and they still are. It's one of many dissapointments I have with God. I used to think that God had been so kind and tender to me through so much(and He was), that I would never be able to become jaded and angry at Him. I don't know that I'm very angry. But I definitely have major dissapointments. I no longer have the energy to look for hope or try to see how He might work things out. I suppose a whole lot of what I hoped for was what I saw might work and I just thought it must have been His plan. Well, I was wrong.

Steve watched Shawshank Redemption this weekend. It's a good movie. I don't remember when I first saw it, but I showed it to Steve when we were dating. He liked it and we've watched it every couple of years since. We don't own it, but it's one worth owning. There was an exchange between the two main characters where Morgan Freeman was basically telling Tim Robbins(I can't remember the character names)...he was telling him to give up hope about the outside world and get used to prison life. He responded, "Like _____did?" Shoot, I can't even remember the name of the old guy that committed suicide when he got out. I'm terrible with names. Brinks? Was that his name? I don't know. Well, anyway, his point was that if he adjusted to life on the inside and got so comfortable there, he would not be able to live on the outside when the time came.

Maybe life on earth is like that. Maybe we're not meant to be comfortable here. I used to really strive to be content. Content about circumstances. Content about relationships. I realised when I went out with the neighbor that I can get along with pretty much anybody. I can go out and have a nice time with anyone. I can generally see the good parts of people and focus on that. There are only a very few people that I don't like, and most of them I don't know that well. I bet if I did get to know them, I would like them. Of all the handful of people I don't like, it's mostly because I think they're very shallow and greedy and showy and worldly....they care too much what other people think and look to tv or moviestars or whatever to imitate.