so I went to church

I went to church for the first time in a long time. I didn't want to go. Steve said we should go so the kids could see their friends. He told them and they were all excited, but he decided not to go at the last minute. I had told him before that I like to go to church together to do something spiritual together. Yes, the song service is way too long and the sermons are long and often unbalanced, but it's something. We don't do anything if we stay home. So I was pretty peeved that after talk of we we we, he didn't go. Of course, it made no difference really, because he didn't plan on going in to the service anyway. Oh well.

As much as I don't like it, the Lord seemed to have used his insistance that I take the kids. I thought the sermon was refreshing. If you want to even call it a sermon. It was a guy who is running for political office, so there was the expected mini-history lessons and our country needs to return to this and that. I'm ok with all that. It's what he's passionate about and I thank God there are principled people who are willing to engage in that area. I'm not passionate about it as far as the rallying-type stuff goes, but I agree. I just try to live my life honoring God and maybe I'll influence a few others along the way to do the same. So I kinda ignored all the ra-ra for our side stuff and paid attention to his basic points from the Bible. Which was that God gives us freedom to choose Him and the end result of that choice that puts us under Him is freedom also. It's not about signing up for rules and restrictions and limitations and a stiff existence within the confines of religiosity. I would like to see some of that freedom.

I don't feel very free. I mean, there have been times where my heart swelled with assurance that He was involved and cared and nothing could separate me from His love and all that. No question. I have experienced peace that I couldn't wrap my head around. I have lived "though He slay me, still I will trust Him." I think sometimes about all the ways where if God did this or that, it would be such a great testimony of Him. Ha. I guess He and I have different viewpoints of what those things are.

Why is life so easy for some other Christians? My brother-in-law for instance: he is blessed at every turn. Psalm 73 talks about how it's a pain to look at the wicked prospering, and that's true to an extent, but I don't want what they have. I can follow the logic of how they got it: greed, family sacrifice, and dishonesty. I don't want that. I just want to be able to pay my bills. I just want to not regret getting a Father's Day gift for Steve because it went on credit. It wasn't even anything fancy, it was clothes that he really could use. I just want to not do a balancing act every payday. I just want to go to the store and get the basics of what we need to eat without counting pennies.

Last night, I gave the kids leftovers. Steve had an omelet a while before dinnertime, so he wasn't hungry. I knew the leftovers wouldn't go that far, but I warmed it up and gave it to the kids. I sat with them and told them to eat their fill and I might have some if there's any left. There wasn't. I wasn't suprised, I just ate a bowl of cereal instead. Steve thinks I did it to be dramatic and draw attention to the fact that I'm worried about food for the rest of the week. Everyone complains that we don't have cereal that they like. Everyone complains when I make something and it's missing an ingredient. Well, it's not my fault that we don't ALWAYS have a fully stocked kitchen with things that suit their fancy. Steve is the worst offender. He almost refused the chicken wraps I made him for lunch. I honestly don't remember which day I made the chicken. I think it was Thursday because I actually cooked us dinner that night. At any rate, he was going to not eat it because he thinks I would feed him rotten meat. Sigh. Little does he know, there was one occasion where we were broke as anything and someone gave us some meat that I KNOW was questionable. We thanked God for it and I was truly afraid, but no one got sick.

I am thankful that no one got sick. I really am. I have a little index card in my wallet that I carry around. It was from some sermon where Pastor passed out the cards and told us to write down what we would like to see in our ministry, in our expression of God to the world. Or something like that. It says: I would like to feed people. Feeding parents to feed children, to care for Your seed. (Boy, what horrible grammar.) The prayer and hope there was that somehow God would use me to make marriages strong and helping to provide basics might open the door for a ripple effect spiritually. It had to do with the Angel Food thing at the time. We still get Angel Food. I'm not convinced it's a huge savings. I wish I could just get meat and vegetables, but whatever. It's more convenient than driving all over the county to get sales. I have been the recipient of kindness when people have given us food. It's truly humbling. So when I'm pinching pennies and cutting out snacks and trying to make every little thing stretch, I'm also wondering what in the world happened. I thought at some point that God would "heal our finances." Steve says he's all about building relationships with people and that's good, but I hate thinking about having anyone over simply because it's not in the budget. Camping isn't in the budget. A/C isn't in the budget. Medical emergencies aren't in the budget. Gas to do half the free stuff that I'd like to do isn't in the budget.

I don't get it. Then I go to church and they're still on the kick of reciting some "checks in the mail" nonsense that they started right before the last few times I had gone. I shouldn't say it's nonsense. We've gotten an unexpected check in the mail once. And Steve was "promoted" to sales so he had a higher, salaried paycheck during the winter when we otherwise would have been digging our hole deeper. But that doesn't mean we stopped digging. Just not as fast. Car repairs and diapers and groceries here and there keep adding to the debt.

There are some who understand. But not many. I just look at it all and go God, why? I'm not trying to have the best of anything, I'm not trying to make my life convenient or flashy or anything. I don't buy myself new clothes. I try my best to be frugal and to be wise. If I hear of a need someone has, and I can meet it, I do. What, then? Is it that I need to surrender MORE and have another baby or something? I just finished paying for the last one we didn't have. Will we just go bankrupt and hope we keep our house like Steve's mom did?

These are questions I don't have answers for.