hoo boy, what a mess

The kids are going to my mother's this week. She's on vacation from work and will take them to VBS. So I'm not so sure what I'll do with myself.

I'll probably sit around watching nothing on tv and nextflix and be depressed.

I've kinda gotten to the bottom of why I'm mad at God, but I'm not really over it and I don't really want to have a sobbing, breakthrough prayer time where I'm ok with the things He's done, but oh well. Maybe I will sometime this week. Or maybe not. Who can predict these things?

I've kinda decided to just give Steve a rest and move into the spare bedroom. The kids won't know the difference. I go to bed last and wake up before them, so it doesn't matter. Not that I necessarily want to keep secrets from them. I'm just tired of the pressure of trying to get along. I'm tired of him always expecting me to be moody when a lot of times, I don't even start out moody. I'm tired of putting so much effort into talking and not getting anywhere and trying so hard to give soft answers and keep the peace. Maybe if we're not trying to be intimate(in the communication sense), then we can at least be civil.

Truth be told, I really want him to read the email I sent and just hold me and pray for me and tell me not to worry, that God IS STILL good to us and everything will be ok. But I'm not sure that he actually believes it, so it's a pipedream. So for now, no pressure. Just get through the day being nice. Maybe he never will be the Super Spirit-Man that I want him to be. Maybe I do place too many expectations on him. Maybe years of listening to Focus on the Family and reading too many marriage books were more harm than good. I give up.

I have realized that the plans that I thought God had for us might have been my own. So I don't know what He's doing. I don't know what is next. I have no inkling whatsoever. I used to be so confident that I had some far-off vision of our future, a shadow picture, a vibe, of what we were meant for. Like we were blazing a trail that others could follow, in that we somehow survived all kinds of abuse and sexual sin and dysfunction. Well, flush that. I don't know anything. I was talking with someone once and they were saying how so many people, even Christians, just fold when bad things happen, and that I had been holding up so well and seem to be "normal" considering what I'd been through....that so many people just end up staying "damaged" their whole lives. I was rather conceited, I suppose, but I declared that I was not damaged and I didn't have to carry around baggage people wanted to put on me and I get tired of people looking at me like, "poor Jessica, she's been through so much." Yes, I've been through a lot, but I am THROUGH it and I'm not going to live like I'm currently in it anymore.

Anyway, she told me several times later that she remembers that declaration and it encourages her from time to time. Too bad it doesn't encourage me. I mean, it's true...my dad was MESSED UP...my brother still is, my mother is turning out alright after years of craziness, but I seemed to have kinda escaped any super-dramatic effects of abuse. (Steve might differ in opinion there, he's convinced he's suffered as a result of it--and he has a bit). But overall, I think I have a pretty healthy outlook on things considering. Well, I thought I did. Hmm...where was I going with this? Oh, that I don't know anything anymore. I used to be encouraged to think about the "day of the Lord" being a day of great darkness, a day of fear and trembling, of melting like wax....I was in very dark times, but somehow I knew it was the day of the Lord, that it was Him initiating it and orchestrating it. Though everything around me was unstable, it was like I was in His cleft in the rock, hidden, but looking out like his precious baby eagle, just waiting to soar.

Well, I suppose I thought the time for soaring had come, but I was wrong. Now it's like it's another dark "day of the Lord," but I'm not hidden away safe, I'm on the rumbling, blasting mountaintop with things crumbling all around and I've been pierced in the middle and I'm stumbling along as he drags me by my right hand. He doesn't let go. I don't know whether to take comfort in that. If he did let go, I would surely die, but His grip is so firm and I feel so dirty and tired and bleeding from my piercing in the middle.

I smelled smoke when I was in the shower this morning. It was strange. It couldn't have been on me or on the clothes in the bathroom. I washed everything from camping. But I was washing my hair, and it was so strange that I was thinking I could smell the shampoo, but I kept smelling smoke too. I bent over to sniff near my knees, thinking it was the drain. And I sniffed the bottle of shampoo thinking it was just some subtle varience in the fruity smell, but I swear it smelled like smoke in the shower. Haha...here I'm talking about not being nuts then I'm describing hallucinogenic smells in the shower. But it was there. The water here usually has a slight bleachy smell from the chlorine that's in it, but there was the distinct smell of smoke.

OK, I think I said I smelled smoke quite enough. It was just weird. And I hadn't thought about the day of great darkness stuff till I was just typing it a few minutes ago here.

That's probably enough rambling for now. I've given up on the kids getting any schooling this week. I should probably do something useful and make sure there's food to eat for dinner. I went to BJ's and got a few things, but I probably still need to make a regular grocery list. Or not, since the kids won't be around. I dunno.