ok ok some good news

I did qualify for Medicaid. That's a relief. I knew in Delaware, pretty much any pregnant woman can get it, but still. So...I'll stick with the cruddy dr office. The dr seemed nice too...I already saw his wife, the midwife and I like them both ok.

I'm somehow going to pull off surprising my mother with the news of the pregnancy. Steve kinda told everyone on facebook. Not in an "announcement" post, but in a comment to something about applying for a new job at Pepsi. So not everyone noticed, I'm sure.

I saw Mom today at the dentist office, but I still had my coat on. She may watch the kids in the morning, but it looks like I'll go up to her house and drop them off, so I can keep my coat on again. hehe

Maybe I'll scan the picture of the sonogram and frame it for her to open as a present. I didn't get pictures of the kids done up for Christmas. hahaha

I guess I didn't mention before that I'm showing already. Can't fit any zippered pants and the maternity pants won't stay up. LOL

Sad

I guess most of what I write in here is depressing. I don't mean to be totally depressing, I'm not really depressed person in general. I guess I just feel better after I write things out, so here it is. Sorry it doesn't include the fun, happy-go-lucky stuff. That's one of the reasons I miss JS. I shared it all there. Can't quite share it all on facebook, and nobody comments here, so there's really no incentive to share the happy stuff. Maybe this will just be my little place to vent, then.

A friend's husband is leaving her. :( They've always had a stormy relationship, but he's getting emotionally involved with another woman and has said for months that he's tired of trying. So throw another woman and the grass seeming greener in there, and a serious lack of people telling him it's a big mistake, and it's going down the tubes fast.

What's strange is that she seems seriously on board with changing herself and really really wanting God in their relationship(after so long that he did and she didn't). I don't get it. I don't get why "Christian" husbands are so ready to walk, especially walk into a death trap of an affair. They know what's right, they're just unwilling to stick out being "unhappy." I guess there are plenty of women who jump ship because they're unhappy too. Both make me mad.

I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do or say. I just want to hug her. She's been sharing with me for some time now, and I never have wanted to give her false hope. We really can't tell what someone is going to do. I suppose God could give her an inkling, if He were so inclined, but generally, we just have to walk along not knowing.

She doesn't want to be alone. She is perfectly capable of being alone. She has a good job and can support herself. She probably has money saved. Big difference there, as far as what I was afraid of in being alone. It's just so darn crushing to actually face the real possibility that your life mate, the one you dreamed of growing old with...will be gone.

I am seriously pissed off and very sad.

Well, it's been a while.

A lot's been going on. We've been plugging along with school, and that's good. I started working. That was a bit of a crisis. I don't like working. The job is ok, I just always thought there'd be some miracle where we'd all of a sudden be able to make ends meet and I could still stay home and focus on the kids and maybe start going to the nursing home again or something charitable like that. Well, no such luck, so I'm working.

Then less than a month or so after I started, I got pregnant. It wasn't on purpose. It's kinda funny actually, we conceived the week I actually started working. Steve was on vacation for a week and we had no money and nothing to do and we spent the first several days sitting around beind depressed. After we got tired of that, we went to the park and did a few things that were free. We were happy to make it through the week being creative with cooking since there was no money for groceries even. But we did it. So I guess that Friday's payday and weekend were kinda celebratory because I did land a job and start that week and well...let's just say I didn't pay attention to the calendar until after the fact. Then I was like, "ooo, hmm....LOL those last two days were pretty iffy."

Not iffy, not with my luck. haha Not that luck has anything to do with anything. I do believe God orders our lives, it's just that I cannot figure out what in the WORLD He is doing with mine. Just when there was some light at the end of the tunnel, and Steve and I both felt like maybe we'd make some progress against debt and have stable finances, there's another baby on the way.

The doctor told me after the miscarriage that if I got pregnant again, I'd be crazy. He was right. I'm really not excited at all yet. I didn't want to tell anyone because I was afraid I would miscarry again. Steve knew that, but then he told the kids. Humph. It was the kids whom I wanted to tell the least because they go around every time someone says, "oh, wow, 4 kids?" and they proclaim, "it would have been 5 but we lost one." I cringe every time they do that. They are excited about the idea, but I keep having to damper that excitement and basically tell them it's not a sure thing yet. It's depressing.

I've told people at work. Mostly just because I HAVE to have my breaks every two hours or else I'm starving and shaking and might pass out from hunger. They all think it's the cutest thing. Sigh. I'm not going to pretend I'm something I'm not, so that's kinda awkward because they all ask if I'm excited.

My next dr appt is in two weeks. The dr wants to do a sonogram because I mentioned that all the pregnancies were normal except that we got Garrett's due date wrong and the sugar blood test looked wrong until they changed the date. So I guess the dr doesn't believe me when I say I'm SURE of the conception date this time. I was a wreck when they said they wanted a sono. It was pretty traumatic last time because it was an empty womb. So I scheduled it as late as possible, and I'll end up being 12 weeks by the time I have it. So that's only one week before the 1st trimester is done, so hopefully everything will be ok by then.

Steve is off this Thursday and Friday. I'm thinking about trying to reschedule it for then, but I really don't want to have it too early. He probably won't be able to come. I wish he could. It works out fine, though. I'll probably go and apply for medicaid while he's home. I didn't get medicaid with Ryan at all, but then there was the fiasco with not signing him up for Steve's insurance in time and we were stuck with all the bills except that Beebe was generous to make us a charity case. But I still had to pay my own dr like a grand. So anyway, hopefully we will qualify. But I wouldn't be surprised if we make too much money. It would be nice, though, if me and a few kids did qualify, since ER visits are a hefty sum, and likely with these boys.

I never had a preference before, but I think I'd like a girl. Steve suggested Phoebe for a name. I like it. He likes Christian for a boy, and that's good too, but I think I would like a girl. I don't know if I'll want to find out. It was fun to be surprised with Ryan. It's so unusual for people to not find out. We won't be able to tell anything at the next appt anyway. Come to think of it, they didn't tell me if I had to drink all that water for it. Hmm....I'm not too impressed with the drs over here. I think Beebe's high technology has spoiled us. They still use actual PAPER files here. How archaic. And the buildings are run-down and cruddy. No wonder the cost of living was higher over there.

Steve wanted to go to Peninsula Regional in Salisbury because it's nicer, but nobody in MD will take DE Medicaid. So I guess we'll go here unless we don't qualify. Shoot, if I've got to pay for it, I'm going someplace nice.

better than expected

The appt with the vet went better than expected. He thinks she has bad allergies. He gave her a cortizone shot to help with it, and we're giving her some other medication for two weeks. Hopefully, it will clear up her itching and skin issues and get rid of her cough. He said she really doesn't look that bad. Most dogs he sees are really nasty with skin problems and suffering. She seems to have had an allergy flare-up that was triggered by the fleas. The cough may have been allergies all along, since she has a history of ear problems that recur twice a year or so.

If the shot doesn't help the cough at all, we can test her for heartworm in the spring. Because she has had a few heartworm pills in the last two years, most likely she was only exposed this past summer, and whatever heartworms might be growing now are not strong enough to survive the pill I just gave her. They take about 7 months to become full grown and giving the dog the pills will stop them at any time during that 5-6 months that they're immature. At least I think that's what he was saying. So there's a slight possibility some from last summer did grow in her, but they will be weakened by giving her the pills over time and he's not too worried about it. And the cough is probably from her allergies anyway.

So....what. a. relief. He did go through the usual "how's Steve" spiel about how they're brothers and have so much in common blah blah blah. That's nice, I guess. He invited us to his church. I told him that I really don't want to go without Steve and I probably could find something nearby, but I don't want to go alone. I think that's what it pretty much boils down to. I would like to find a church that met his needs too, where he could be engaged and have a role. I don't know that there is one, and I don't really even want to go looking for it myself. *shrug* So we don't go.

I have to say. I'm loving the cool morning and the golden sunrise. Kids are walking to school. I could do without that. I think it would be really nice to sit out on the front porch with Steve and drink a cup of tea while he has a cup of coffee and quietly talk. Or not talk, just enjoy the morning. It's probably not going to happen. He leaves for work before the sun is up and we sleep in on weekends, but it's a nice thought. I'll probably work out front with the kids before it get too warm today. 94 is the estimated high. Fall is coming, though.

I made the appt

So I made an appt today to take the dog to the vet. I'm glad they can get her in today. I hope it doesn't cost more than what's left on our credit card. I dread going. I omitted the real reason when I spoke with the receptionist. I may work up the courage to call her back before lunch in case they need to do anything to prepare to test her.

I'm going to have to take the kids. That's the worst part. At least they're old enough that Rebekah can sit with them in the waiting room. Maybe I'll see if they can go to a friend's house. I'll try to call them soon. It might not take long, so somebody taking them for an hour isn't so bad.

Steve is convinced you can get heartworm pills OTC real cheap. I tried to order them once before from an online petmeds place, but they still wanted the vet's contact info and you couldn't complete the order without it. You could order the frontline, but not the pills. So that's partly why she hasn't had it. Steve even suggested that we could maybe just let the pills slowly kill off the heartworms and not have to go through the difficult treatment. I was surprised by that. But I don't want her to suffer any more than she already has, and if there's already damage, I don't want any more. I'd rather do the treatment. Of course, if there's a huge cost because the vet doesn't feel so sympathetic to our financial situation, then that might be all we can do. Or maybe the vet will say he doesn't think there's been much damage yet and we can wait and see because treatment is pretty risky if the dog gets hyper because she has to be quiet for weeks to let the dead worms absorb into her system. Or maybe he'll say we're VERY lucky and she's just fat.

Anyway, I'm facing a major fear today. Better sooner than later, I think, that's why I took the appt so soon since they had a cancellation. Hopefully, a lot of my "if this and if that" will be answered.

I feel terrible.

Our dog has heartworm. Well, it's not diagnosed yet, but I'm pretty sure she must.

It's entirely preventable, doesn't even cost all that much, but I didn't get her meds and now she has it.So we get to take her to the vet and spend hundreds of dollars to have her treated over the course of a few months and she will suffer and have to be restricted from activity if she doesn't die first. Sigh.

It's not that I feel guilty really, but it just kinda solidifies my hardness toward the Lord. I mean, if money never was an issue, I would have NEVER put off taking her to the vet and been so lax about her care.


Here I am, needing two surgeries, needing new glasses, needing to buy new underwear for myself and two kids for crying out loud. So I don't really feel guilty for not spending money on taking the dog to the vet.

Garrett's bike got stolen. It's been like 3 weeks now since it happened. I had hoped that some kid rode it home and after a while the mother would notice her kid got a bike from somewhere and would make him return it. I had hoped that we would come home sometime and it would be back. No such luck.

The dog got fleas and a stinky yeast infection, so I had to get her flea stuff from the vet last week. I got her heartworm stuff too, but giving it to her is what prompted me to get thinking about the possibility that she already had heartworms. Then I looked up the symptoms and she's definitely had the symptoms for some time. Anyway, if it wasn't for that and a flat tire last week, I would have gotten Garrett another bike for like $20 from the junk man down the road.


I feel so terrible about it all, I don't know what to do. I dread taking her to the vet. Our vet is really nice, he was actually friends with Steve for a while. He's given us the meds free before and always asks me all kinds of questions about Steve and how we're doing and do we need help with this or that. I just dread it. I have to go in there and tell him that the dog needs to be tested and he's going to ask me why I didn't just call him and get the meds. I don't really think he's going to give me a serious guilt-inducing talking-to, but still. If she needs the treatment, it's going to be a lot of work for him and he probably won't make us pay and I will feel bad. Or, the best case scenario is that he just says the reason she gets winded and coughs is that she's fat and Steve needs to quit giving her pizza crusts and I better keep in touch so she doesn't lapse with her meds again.

I hate depending on others for that kind of thing. I'm not so sure if I hate it really, but I know Steve hates it, so I hate it because I have to talk with him about it and I know it makes him feel like he doesn't provide well enough. I mean, the times people have given us things and we didn't ask for it was kinda different. We could both say, wow, that was a big blessing, a help. But I know for sure that Steve doesn't like taking free vet care from his friend because his friend has complained about people wanting free care just because they go to church with him. So anyway, having to ask for help now is doubly humbling because I should have asked in the first place.

So I kinda wonder sometimes if we're not seeing NT miracles and all because we aren't really open and loving with each other. I wonder sometimes if that's our calling, our path that the Lord has guided our steps toward. I mean, we're not poor because I need to have the best of everything or stuff I don't need. We're poor mostly because we have been trying the best we know how to follow the Lord. I think it's important that I be a "worker at home" and our kids get homeschooled. Steve does too. We both have grappled with allowing the Lord to determine the size of our family. But ever since that decision, debt has skyrocketed and problems get worse. We bought this house almost out of desparate exhaustion with living under a leaky, collapsing roof. We prayed and asked God to close the doors if it wasn't His will. We could see even while we were sitting at the closing table how God could just shut the door and say, "nope, it's not for you, not right now." But He didn't.

Is it something we need to learn about the interdependence of the Body of Christ? I don't know. I know that I wish I could just find a solution that wasn't some internet scam. I wish there was something I could do to bring in several hundred dollars a month and help to pull us out of this mess. I could do like 15 hours of something easily every week, maybe more. Unless I get pregnant, but that's pretty unlikely the way things have been going. Sigh. There are several people who have offered to help us with money. One of them could probably wipe out our debt with one check if she wanted to(not that I'd ask). I'm just saying. I really don't feel comfortable with looking at people like they are a "source," and I know that Steve isn't. Are we too "Americanized?"

so I went to church

I went to church for the first time in a long time. I didn't want to go. Steve said we should go so the kids could see their friends. He told them and they were all excited, but he decided not to go at the last minute. I had told him before that I like to go to church together to do something spiritual together. Yes, the song service is way too long and the sermons are long and often unbalanced, but it's something. We don't do anything if we stay home. So I was pretty peeved that after talk of we we we, he didn't go. Of course, it made no difference really, because he didn't plan on going in to the service anyway. Oh well.

As much as I don't like it, the Lord seemed to have used his insistance that I take the kids. I thought the sermon was refreshing. If you want to even call it a sermon. It was a guy who is running for political office, so there was the expected mini-history lessons and our country needs to return to this and that. I'm ok with all that. It's what he's passionate about and I thank God there are principled people who are willing to engage in that area. I'm not passionate about it as far as the rallying-type stuff goes, but I agree. I just try to live my life honoring God and maybe I'll influence a few others along the way to do the same. So I kinda ignored all the ra-ra for our side stuff and paid attention to his basic points from the Bible. Which was that God gives us freedom to choose Him and the end result of that choice that puts us under Him is freedom also. It's not about signing up for rules and restrictions and limitations and a stiff existence within the confines of religiosity. I would like to see some of that freedom.

I don't feel very free. I mean, there have been times where my heart swelled with assurance that He was involved and cared and nothing could separate me from His love and all that. No question. I have experienced peace that I couldn't wrap my head around. I have lived "though He slay me, still I will trust Him." I think sometimes about all the ways where if God did this or that, it would be such a great testimony of Him. Ha. I guess He and I have different viewpoints of what those things are.

Why is life so easy for some other Christians? My brother-in-law for instance: he is blessed at every turn. Psalm 73 talks about how it's a pain to look at the wicked prospering, and that's true to an extent, but I don't want what they have. I can follow the logic of how they got it: greed, family sacrifice, and dishonesty. I don't want that. I just want to be able to pay my bills. I just want to not regret getting a Father's Day gift for Steve because it went on credit. It wasn't even anything fancy, it was clothes that he really could use. I just want to not do a balancing act every payday. I just want to go to the store and get the basics of what we need to eat without counting pennies.

Last night, I gave the kids leftovers. Steve had an omelet a while before dinnertime, so he wasn't hungry. I knew the leftovers wouldn't go that far, but I warmed it up and gave it to the kids. I sat with them and told them to eat their fill and I might have some if there's any left. There wasn't. I wasn't suprised, I just ate a bowl of cereal instead. Steve thinks I did it to be dramatic and draw attention to the fact that I'm worried about food for the rest of the week. Everyone complains that we don't have cereal that they like. Everyone complains when I make something and it's missing an ingredient. Well, it's not my fault that we don't ALWAYS have a fully stocked kitchen with things that suit their fancy. Steve is the worst offender. He almost refused the chicken wraps I made him for lunch. I honestly don't remember which day I made the chicken. I think it was Thursday because I actually cooked us dinner that night. At any rate, he was going to not eat it because he thinks I would feed him rotten meat. Sigh. Little does he know, there was one occasion where we were broke as anything and someone gave us some meat that I KNOW was questionable. We thanked God for it and I was truly afraid, but no one got sick.

I am thankful that no one got sick. I really am. I have a little index card in my wallet that I carry around. It was from some sermon where Pastor passed out the cards and told us to write down what we would like to see in our ministry, in our expression of God to the world. Or something like that. It says: I would like to feed people. Feeding parents to feed children, to care for Your seed. (Boy, what horrible grammar.) The prayer and hope there was that somehow God would use me to make marriages strong and helping to provide basics might open the door for a ripple effect spiritually. It had to do with the Angel Food thing at the time. We still get Angel Food. I'm not convinced it's a huge savings. I wish I could just get meat and vegetables, but whatever. It's more convenient than driving all over the county to get sales. I have been the recipient of kindness when people have given us food. It's truly humbling. So when I'm pinching pennies and cutting out snacks and trying to make every little thing stretch, I'm also wondering what in the world happened. I thought at some point that God would "heal our finances." Steve says he's all about building relationships with people and that's good, but I hate thinking about having anyone over simply because it's not in the budget. Camping isn't in the budget. A/C isn't in the budget. Medical emergencies aren't in the budget. Gas to do half the free stuff that I'd like to do isn't in the budget.

I don't get it. Then I go to church and they're still on the kick of reciting some "checks in the mail" nonsense that they started right before the last few times I had gone. I shouldn't say it's nonsense. We've gotten an unexpected check in the mail once. And Steve was "promoted" to sales so he had a higher, salaried paycheck during the winter when we otherwise would have been digging our hole deeper. But that doesn't mean we stopped digging. Just not as fast. Car repairs and diapers and groceries here and there keep adding to the debt.

There are some who understand. But not many. I just look at it all and go God, why? I'm not trying to have the best of anything, I'm not trying to make my life convenient or flashy or anything. I don't buy myself new clothes. I try my best to be frugal and to be wise. If I hear of a need someone has, and I can meet it, I do. What, then? Is it that I need to surrender MORE and have another baby or something? I just finished paying for the last one we didn't have. Will we just go bankrupt and hope we keep our house like Steve's mom did?

These are questions I don't have answers for.

All alone

Steve is at work and Ryan did end up going to VBS and my mom's last night, so here I am with a whole day to myself, all alone. I'm trying to remember when the last time I had 11 hours to myself, and I don't think that's happened since I had Rebekah. Wow. Steve has had a few days to himself, like on Saturdays once in a great while when I take the kids to do something. But I don't think I've ever been home more than like 2 or 3 hours without kids. It's very strange.

I think I will take the dog for a walk after I do some cleaning and get a very hot bath. I have to go to the library to return things and I have to go to the bank, so I suppose I'll ride my bike up there after the walk. Then lunch. Then I don't know what. I think I'll call my hairdresser once I finish this post and see if she has any appts this afternoon or tomorrow.

I haven't had a haircut from her in ages. I let all the layers grow out like three years ago and have just trimmed it myself from time to time. Last time I trimmed it, I took several inches off so that it'd be chin-lenth or so, but I wasn't too crazy about it. I wished I could have layered it a bit, but I'm too chicken to do that. I tried it once on Rebekah and it was awful. So anyway, I think I'd like some layers and if she has time, maybe some highlights.

Steve has always said that women who are in crises change their hair. He's right. I wasn't having a crisis when I chopped mine off a few months ago, but now that I am, I think I'll go get the layers I wanted. Every time I have done something to my hair during a crisis, though, I have regretted it and felt like I betrayed myself. Long ago, I got it cut really short, and then had different short styles as it grew and needed to be maintained. I think I really hated it. There was one style that I particularly liked, but I'd have to get it cut every month almost to keep it, and I just don't have that kind of commitment to it. Like Steve said, I was doing something to the outside to try and make up for the inside turmoil. He didn't say that specifically about it at the time, he's just said that in general about women. But I knew that's exactly what I did and I felt like my outside displayed my insecurities on the inside. I don't think that's what I'll be doing if I get my hair cut this week, though. I wish I could find a cut that I felt like really fit me and was stylish. I've always just had plain jane hair. The most I ever do with it is put it in a clip for an up-do. But I don't like it in my face, and I don't want to spend much time on it.

Steve and I have resolved to set time aside each day for talking. That's good. I haven't told him about this blog, but I think I have said everything that's in here(and more). Sometimes I think I communicate better when I've sorted things out already. It's difficult to talk with him. I don't feel like I can just say whatever is on my mind all the time. I do after a while, but I feel like I need to process it, and analyze it and have a good understanding of it myself before I say anything to him. I feel like it's not valid unless I can explain it fully.

Ryan and me

So Ryan was sick yesterday and I kept him home from VBS. He did go the first night and really enjoyed it. My mother took the other kids, all packed up for the week, to stay with her.

Today, Ryan and I went to the free movie. It was Planet 51, which turned out to be ok. It wasn't super great, but it was nice. Most kid movies are pretty nice. Ryan is better today, so I may take him to VBS and he can stay with Mom too for the rest of the week. I will probably clean like a madwoman and take a super-hot bubble bath. Except the kids used all the bubble bath. I may have some salts or something somewhere. But that sounds nice.

I've been learning chords on the piano. I can play "As the Deer" pretty well I guess. I can't get a good rhythym for any other songs, though. There are several that I can make the chords for, but I just can't get it to sound right to play. You have to fill in the space somehow and I'm not so good at that part. But I like playing "As the Deer." I've always loved that song and the first day I fiddled with it, I think I was in there for like 3 hours(it probably took me 2 to just figure out a good rhythym)...I still can't do it fluidly, I have trouble changing from C to G because it's a big jump. But other than that, it's not bad. So it's fine that there's only one song I can do so far. At least it's one I really like. I'm glad to be learning something just for myself. It gets so draining always trying to make sure everyone else is doing something productive.

I don't know what Steve and I will do all week. I may go to hang out at the library. I have to go sometime tomorrow to return things, so that will be a good excuse to get out of the house. Tomorrow is Thursday. It's too bad Ryan felt bad yesterday. I thought about maybe going to visit a friend from high school who lives outside Baltimore. I wouldn't want to take the kids there because she has pit bulls. But it would be fun to have a girly getaway. Maybe another time when she has a weekend off.

hoo boy, what a mess

The kids are going to my mother's this week. She's on vacation from work and will take them to VBS. So I'm not so sure what I'll do with myself.

I'll probably sit around watching nothing on tv and nextflix and be depressed.

I've kinda gotten to the bottom of why I'm mad at God, but I'm not really over it and I don't really want to have a sobbing, breakthrough prayer time where I'm ok with the things He's done, but oh well. Maybe I will sometime this week. Or maybe not. Who can predict these things?

I've kinda decided to just give Steve a rest and move into the spare bedroom. The kids won't know the difference. I go to bed last and wake up before them, so it doesn't matter. Not that I necessarily want to keep secrets from them. I'm just tired of the pressure of trying to get along. I'm tired of him always expecting me to be moody when a lot of times, I don't even start out moody. I'm tired of putting so much effort into talking and not getting anywhere and trying so hard to give soft answers and keep the peace. Maybe if we're not trying to be intimate(in the communication sense), then we can at least be civil.

Truth be told, I really want him to read the email I sent and just hold me and pray for me and tell me not to worry, that God IS STILL good to us and everything will be ok. But I'm not sure that he actually believes it, so it's a pipedream. So for now, no pressure. Just get through the day being nice. Maybe he never will be the Super Spirit-Man that I want him to be. Maybe I do place too many expectations on him. Maybe years of listening to Focus on the Family and reading too many marriage books were more harm than good. I give up.

I have realized that the plans that I thought God had for us might have been my own. So I don't know what He's doing. I don't know what is next. I have no inkling whatsoever. I used to be so confident that I had some far-off vision of our future, a shadow picture, a vibe, of what we were meant for. Like we were blazing a trail that others could follow, in that we somehow survived all kinds of abuse and sexual sin and dysfunction. Well, flush that. I don't know anything. I was talking with someone once and they were saying how so many people, even Christians, just fold when bad things happen, and that I had been holding up so well and seem to be "normal" considering what I'd been through....that so many people just end up staying "damaged" their whole lives. I was rather conceited, I suppose, but I declared that I was not damaged and I didn't have to carry around baggage people wanted to put on me and I get tired of people looking at me like, "poor Jessica, she's been through so much." Yes, I've been through a lot, but I am THROUGH it and I'm not going to live like I'm currently in it anymore.

Anyway, she told me several times later that she remembers that declaration and it encourages her from time to time. Too bad it doesn't encourage me. I mean, it's true...my dad was MESSED UP...my brother still is, my mother is turning out alright after years of craziness, but I seemed to have kinda escaped any super-dramatic effects of abuse. (Steve might differ in opinion there, he's convinced he's suffered as a result of it--and he has a bit). But overall, I think I have a pretty healthy outlook on things considering. Well, I thought I did. Hmm...where was I going with this? Oh, that I don't know anything anymore. I used to be encouraged to think about the "day of the Lord" being a day of great darkness, a day of fear and trembling, of melting like wax....I was in very dark times, but somehow I knew it was the day of the Lord, that it was Him initiating it and orchestrating it. Though everything around me was unstable, it was like I was in His cleft in the rock, hidden, but looking out like his precious baby eagle, just waiting to soar.

Well, I suppose I thought the time for soaring had come, but I was wrong. Now it's like it's another dark "day of the Lord," but I'm not hidden away safe, I'm on the rumbling, blasting mountaintop with things crumbling all around and I've been pierced in the middle and I'm stumbling along as he drags me by my right hand. He doesn't let go. I don't know whether to take comfort in that. If he did let go, I would surely die, but His grip is so firm and I feel so dirty and tired and bleeding from my piercing in the middle.

I smelled smoke when I was in the shower this morning. It was strange. It couldn't have been on me or on the clothes in the bathroom. I washed everything from camping. But I was washing my hair, and it was so strange that I was thinking I could smell the shampoo, but I kept smelling smoke too. I bent over to sniff near my knees, thinking it was the drain. And I sniffed the bottle of shampoo thinking it was just some subtle varience in the fruity smell, but I swear it smelled like smoke in the shower. Haha...here I'm talking about not being nuts then I'm describing hallucinogenic smells in the shower. But it was there. The water here usually has a slight bleachy smell from the chlorine that's in it, but there was the distinct smell of smoke.

OK, I think I said I smelled smoke quite enough. It was just weird. And I hadn't thought about the day of great darkness stuff till I was just typing it a few minutes ago here.

That's probably enough rambling for now. I've given up on the kids getting any schooling this week. I should probably do something useful and make sure there's food to eat for dinner. I went to BJ's and got a few things, but I probably still need to make a regular grocery list. Or not, since the kids won't be around. I dunno.

Camping

The camping trip was pretty nice. The forecast didn't look so good, and I dreaded everyone being miserable in the rain, but overall, it was enjoyable. We weren't even miserable in the rain one bit.

My mother is pretty laid back when things go wrong. We just made the best of the downpours on Saturday. Thankfully, it wasn't thunder and lightning storming, so we just let the kids run and play in the huge puddles and pouring rain. We moved all the bedding from the tent to the cars, and all the foodstuff and other things we wanted dry to the pavillion before it started really coming down. Everything still got pretty damp, but it could have been worse. The puddles were up past my ankles in some places. I wore capris and flip flops because I knew my feet would be wet, but I was pretty soaked up to my thighs. The kids had a blast, though. They love to play in the rain and it's not very often there's a good downpour without lightning, so we just let them go nuts and get completely drenched and dirty. Little Ryan got chafed, but that was the only lasting negative effect of all the wet fun.

I love cooking on a campfire. We forgot the electric griddle, but it was fine. It was nice that there were no arguments and no one really got uptight about anything. God was so good to let it be dry for breakfast and dinner on Saturday. It got raining one night when we went with Steve and his family before. His sister was pretty miserable even without the rain, but we were able to make fun of his brother's ingenuity, the way his tent was like a military fort defending against the water(and it worked LOL). But when we had to spend the night in the car then, Steve got all frustrated with being uncomfortable. Sure, being uncomfortable is unpleasant, but a bad attitude makes everyone uncomfortable. His attitude wasn't so bad, but when he gets upset and complaining, I have to try hard to not contribute more to the situation. Sometimes, I want to get uptight too and just let fly, but I don't.

The only part of the weekend with Mom that wasn't enjoyable was the concert. Boy, quartet southern gospel isn't my thing. Steve says I'm weird because I don't have preferences in music, but I think I do, it's just that most things are ok and I don't strongly LIKE anything in particular. But there are certain things I strongly dislike, and southern gospel is one of them. :) There was one group of younger guys that had a base singer who looked like a cross between a guy we know and Vince Vaughn. They were cracking jokes and trying to entertain people(and there's nothing wrong with that...it was a concert and not a revival meeting or something), but it just rubbed me the WRONG way, like they were insincere and maybe didn't even like the music themselves, but knew they could fleece the old people who like it. Gosh, I hope that isn't the case.

There was one bluegrass group that was tolerable. The singer was introducing one song and got choked up about it because it was about the Lord breaking you down so He could make you into something useful. He didn't say in what way that applied to him, but I guess it was something recent and painful. I tried to listen hard to the lyrics to that one. I wonder if that's what we're going through....a time of the Lord stripping things away from us. I don't know about Steve, but for me, losing a baby was pretty devastating. I don't want to trust God with childbirth anymore. It wasn't easy to swallow the likely possibility that we'd have a lot of children. Then, it seemed like that was stopped with Steve. And then it was renewed when we had Ryan and it was wonderful, like a miracle of hope returning to something that had been crushed. And then it was crushed again by the Lord Himself. I don't understand it. The scripture He spoke to me during that time was from Psalms. I don't remember where exactly, but it says "You have taken hold of my right hand.".....I looked it up, it's Psalm 73:23. The whole thing is about how it's hard to look around and everyone else who could care less about the Lord and His ways is prospering while I'm suffering and poor. Yeah, that applies.

What struck me about that verse isn't that it's comforting that He's leading me and the wicked will get theirs....it's that He took hold of my RIGHT hand. My strength. He took hold of what I knew, what I was good at, what I thought I was doing and trying to do well for Him.

Maybe I'm just all mixed up about sex and children and all. Steve thinks I'm a prude who thinks the only real purpose of sex is to procreate. That's not exactly true, as I think that it will still be pretty great when we're past childbearing years. But for people who are in childbearing years, I do think it is something to be embraced with the full understanding and welcoming attitude where God might bring another life into existence through it. That's what I think is so wrong with just about everything in our society today. So much sexual sin is self-centered. Sure, sex is about your partner too, but to me, it's a sacred act where God is involved in more than just having created it to be pleasurable. It's renewing the marriage covenant. It's opening the opportunity for Him to make us fruitful. It's intimate and vulnerable and makes us one. It seems like I know a lot of people who can't have kids. Sometimes I envy them. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not really think about the possibility of another baby. Periods are full of such mixed feelings for me. Relief is probably the biggest, but then there's also some guilt that I'm not really open to having another pregnancy. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person. So being in limbo about the whole pregnancy thing is pretty bothersome to me. I don't want to just be on birth control and adjust things with fake hormones to be pretty sure to avoid pregnancy. But I don't really like avoiding sex either.

I don't like jokes about sex. I especially don't like jokes about sexual sin. Maybe I'm uptight about it because I was abused and I think everybody should be serious about it and not take it lightly. It's the single most annoying thing with being an adult. Ever since I was like 9 or 10 years old, I've been bombarded with sex nonstop. I don't have a problem with married people insinuating that sex is good and enjoyable. It is. I just can't get away from innuendo, even at kids movies. That's another reason the weekend was nice.

Why can't I just be happy

I'm sure there are plenty of people with blogs full of depressed rantings. Well, here's another.

I don't know what happened to my hope. There are two people specifically that I could point to and say that because of what they've done or haven't done has really dealt a blow to my optimism.

I just don't like it when things are broken and are just left to remain broken. It's like my house. There's this section where my brother and I were looking for where the water pipe from the road came into the house. We crawled around under the house and couldn't find it and then we started poking around outside the house. We knew there was a sewer cleanout at a certain place and we were poking around there. There was metal skirting stuff over the crawlspace openings and we bent it down, thinking the pipe might have come up into the wall near the laundry room. It didn't. We later crawled around more under the house and found it under the kitchen/bathroom wall. I didn't do anything with that bent down metal because the house was a total wreck at the time and lots of work needed to be done and I figured the guy that was replacing that wall from the outside might remove it.

Well, he didn't remove it. He didn't even bend it back up. He replaced the plywood on the outside of that wall and put nice new siding up there and left the metal bent down and raggedy. I'm sure nobody even really notices it except me. There are plants growing around there and it's not very obvious, but it's there and I know it. I must not have been paying attention the day he did that siding. Maybe I wasn't home. It's annoying though. I wish he had called me and just said, "hey, this stuff isn't right, what do you want me to do with it?" So anyway, I don't think it can be bent back into place now because the new plywood and siding is lower than before and it won't fit. So I don't know what to do with it now and it just annoys me. Maybe it's my own fault that it's just left undone. I mean, I could go out there and dig it up and replace it with something else, but I don't. I suppose I'd rather just be mad at the contractor guy for not doing what I thought he should have done, which was to point out that something was wrong and find a solution with me. Instead, he just went on like there wasn't anything out of place.

One of the people I blame does the same thing. He just goes on when things are out of whack. He'll say things are messed up, but not really look for anything he can do to improve the situation. Hmm.

So anyway, I don't have any control over what others do. And frankly, I'm tired of praying about it. Maybe I've never prayed about it the right way in the first place and my disappointment is my own fault. Besides, if I point to them and think that if they do this or that, it would make me happy....it probably wouldn't work anyway.

I've been unhappy and had peace before, though. I can't say that I have peace now. I'm certainly not happy. I can name a whole list of things that I think would make me happy, but even then, I'm not sure I would have peace. It is a problem.

People used to tell me I was so strong when they knew I was going through a tough situation. I used to respond that it wasn't a matter of strength or weakness, it was a matter of hardness or softness. I think that was true. But over time, and even after getting through that unbelievably hard time(rather softly and "successfully" I might add), I guess I thought things would just improve since then, and they didn't.

Maybe I'll just spill it and not be vague. Maybe another time...there's daily grind to attend to.

At the Grocery Store

I had to go grocery shopping. I was already dreading it because we only had $50 and I would have to count up what I was spending as I went along. I knew we didn't need a whole lot, but it would be close. I hate being broke all the time, just scraping along with sometimes just cents left in the bank until next payday.

I should really be more grateful Steve even has a job. I don't know what we would do if he didn't. I met a lady I bought some stuff from off craigslist. She and her husband have both been out of work for a year. She unexpectedly got pregnant with their fifth child. They had tried to get pregnant for years before and thought they were done when they couldn't conceive, but then after they relocated and both lost jobs, THEN she got pregnant. WOW. I gave her my stroller/carseat combo and a bag full of neutral things. If she gets to the end of the pregnancy and still needs things, I'll give her my boy stuff too, but she's hoping she'll accumulate some girl things before the time comes. When I got the stroller to her, she was happy her husband would be starting at Home Depot part time. Anything is better than nothing.

So....at the grocery store, I was sitting in the truck looking over my list. I was trying to think if there was anything else we needed before Friday. Dinner stuff should be ok, there are vegetables and meat in the freezer. We mostly needed lunchy stuff. I was looking over the list and kinda praying. It's so stressfull. I had gone to Lou's this week. I went in there at first just to get a loaf of bread, but I did look around and find some other junk food stuff. Lou's is a ridiculous discount store. I really do think the people that stock the place must be dumpster divers. There's a ton of Pepsi product in there and Steve knows for sure they don't get it from Pepsi. It's a bit of a mystery where they do get it from, though...all out of date stuff goes back to the plant. Anyway, Lou's is a real interesting place to go. Gotta check everything over to make sure it might be safe. I got chex mix, croutons, snack cakes, marshmallow fluff and some cereal. I won't buy perishable stuff except for fruit, but most dry stuff is ok if it isn't too old. Anyway, I put the stuff from Lou's on the credit card. Then last night I was looking at my regular grocery list in the truck at the regular grocery store.

I was a mess. I was venting to God and crying and trying not to get too worked up because I had to go inside. Once I calmed down a bit and dried my face. I sat and looked around(hoping my eyes wouldn't be too red) and a lady came walking across the parking lot towards me. I wasn't in the direction of the store, so I knew she was coming to ME...a panic came over me. At first thought, maybe she was coming like as an answer to prayer. Maybe she was coming to give me money(hey I've heard stories)...maybe she was coming to tell me God told her something. Regardless, I was super uncomfortable, but I couldn't avoid her unless I quick hopped out and made a mad dash for the store. But then she was at the window.

The keys were already out of the ignition, so I couldn't really roll the window down more, but it was open enough that she just started talking. She said she and her kids didn't have anything to eat and they just moved down from Dover. She said she applied for benefits and it won't be until next week that she gets anything and they needed food for this week. She asked if I would go in and buy her some food and she would later mail me a check or something. I didn't quite hear the last part, because my panic was full-blown by that time. I didn't know what to say. Here, I was just going over my own list, hoping I had enough to get the NECESSITIES, and someone supposedly less fortunate was asking for help. Tears welled up and I blurted out, "honey, I've only got $50 to go in there and get food for my family of six!" I started crying again. It wasn't uncontrolable, but it was real crying. She tried to say something about she believes in God and He'll make a way or something. I must have had my face in my hands when she left because I don't remember her walking away.

She was black. I kinda wanted to see which car she got into because I suppose I really am a horribly judgemental person and assumed she would be getting into a nice car. Maybe she walked up to me because I was sitting in a big ol' Suburban. Like I have money. I was crying hard after she left and I didn't see where she went. Ugh. I had to pull myself together AGAIN. Once I calmed down, I sat and looked for her for a few minutes, but I didn't see her at all. I thought maybe she would be hanging around asking others for help, but she was gone. I felt bad for her sorta. I did think that it was possible she was on drugs or didn't really have kids or something, but still. I don't know that I would have bought her food even if I did have the money. But if I might have been more in my right mind, maybe I would have written down her address and later TAKEN her some food. If she was an honest person who is right along side me, trying to trust God for food for the week, I feel somewhat relieved that she may be praying for me. I'll be praying for her too. And for the lady expecting the baby girl.

I briefly glanced at the layout templates on here. This pink will work alright. It's girly. I painted my toenails a sparkly peach color. I like to paint my toenails once in a while. People say I have nice feet, but I don't think so. Well, my feet are ok, but I don't like my toenails. I've always wondered if I had some kind of something wrong with them. The big toenail is always yellowish and kinda brittle. I've never asked the doctor about it. I just keep them painted. I must have dropped something on my toe while we were working on the house at some point. Part of the right toe had a brown spot that grew into it, like it was injured in the cuticle. Once it got about half way, it separated from underneath. Thankfully, I think it will grow out normally, but it's been kinda gross that it goes so far up under to clean it.

One time, there was a prayer line in church for healing where the preacher asked people with toe problems to come up. I was hesitant because it wasn't "diagnosed" as a problem, and I knew there were people with real problems going on, but then I thought to myself. Well, little things matter to God, so why not? So I went up. I was surprised by how emotional I was. I felt like taking that step forward was in a way, surrendering something I was ashamed of, but minimized, to God. Like, to Him, little things and big things were the same: He cared for them all.

Well, my toenails had been yellow for years and they still are. It's one of many dissapointments I have with God. I used to think that God had been so kind and tender to me through so much(and He was), that I would never be able to become jaded and angry at Him. I don't know that I'm very angry. But I definitely have major dissapointments. I no longer have the energy to look for hope or try to see how He might work things out. I suppose a whole lot of what I hoped for was what I saw might work and I just thought it must have been His plan. Well, I was wrong.

Steve watched Shawshank Redemption this weekend. It's a good movie. I don't remember when I first saw it, but I showed it to Steve when we were dating. He liked it and we've watched it every couple of years since. We don't own it, but it's one worth owning. There was an exchange between the two main characters where Morgan Freeman was basically telling Tim Robbins(I can't remember the character names)...he was telling him to give up hope about the outside world and get used to prison life. He responded, "Like _____did?" Shoot, I can't even remember the name of the old guy that committed suicide when he got out. I'm terrible with names. Brinks? Was that his name? I don't know. Well, anyway, his point was that if he adjusted to life on the inside and got so comfortable there, he would not be able to live on the outside when the time came.

Maybe life on earth is like that. Maybe we're not meant to be comfortable here. I used to really strive to be content. Content about circumstances. Content about relationships. I realised when I went out with the neighbor that I can get along with pretty much anybody. I can go out and have a nice time with anyone. I can generally see the good parts of people and focus on that. There are only a very few people that I don't like, and most of them I don't know that well. I bet if I did get to know them, I would like them. Of all the handful of people I don't like, it's mostly because I think they're very shallow and greedy and showy and worldly....they care too much what other people think and look to tv or moviestars or whatever to imitate.

I don't even remember why I opened this blog.

Hmm...it's been some time since I wrote anything semi-anonymous.

I've been hanging out at Facebook a lot lately. That gets boring after a while. I like conversations and status messages don't do it for me. Occasionally, comments will turn into a bit of a conversation.

I don't really like to share very personal stuff on there. I can't talk about my kids because their friends' siblings are on there. I can't really talk about my husband because HE'S on there, and I don't really have anywhere to sorta vent frustrations.

I used to blog a lot. My husband was there too, but it was ok...somehow it seemed we had a little community of people who were interested and cared and even if they didn't have answers would listen. That was nice.

I've mostly got the same frustrations I had then. Fewer, actually....but now I feel old and tired and burnt out. Burnt out with working on this huge old house...burnt out on homeschooling...burnt out on constantly being poor and never doing anything fun or going anywhere for fun....

My mother is taking us camping next weekend. I'm not even looking forward to it. I do in a way because I would like to get out of the house for two days and do something other than wash dishes, but I wish it was a family trip with just me and Steve and the kids. It may be the only camping trip we take this summer at all. There is no leeway, no "mad money," no escaping the daily grind.

I went out with my neighbor, just us two girls. It was fun to go to the mall and wander around and try on clothes we weren't buying. But it was a little depressing too. I didn't, but if I had found anything I wanted, I couldn't have gotten it. I wonder if I made her uncomfortable for not getting anything at the coffee shop. We got talking in the car on the way there, and I forgot to ask her to swing by the bank or WaWa or someplace I could get cash. I guess I could have used my bank card(she did), but I don't like putting $5 on it. I just told her I had already eaten like five cupcakes(which was true...but they weren't frosted). I was thirsty, but didn't feel like risking whether they'd charge me for a glass of water. They probably only had bottled. I really don't like snooty-toot places like that coffee place. The company and conversation were nice, though. She's younger than me. Sometimes I'm afraid I will make her depressed too or discourage her. In a lot of ways, I see myself in her. I see that youthful hope that everything will be wonderful and get better and better as time goes on.

Blah.